In Meghans Memory - Breast Cancer Awareness

http://www.cbcf.org/breastcancer/bc_aware.asp

*Today's link is to the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation - there is some great information for us ladies on being breast aware and detecting changes in our breasts early*

A few months ago I was made aware of a friend of a friend's fight with Breast Cancer. I joined her blog and group page on Facebook and followed her journey. Her name was Meghan and she was a true inspiration to me as I was newly diagnosed with Cancer. She was diagnosed in the fall of 2008 and went through many ups and downs before losing her battle yesterday and passing away.

Although I have never met her, I was filled with great sadness and tears. She was so young, she went into this fight wanting and thinking she would win. She fought hard and went through many difficult times trying to win over the evil 'visitors'. Alas they won!! My heart ached with sadness last night for Meghan, her family and friends loss. I was also struck with thoughts of my own mortality. My prognosis is very good, my stage is only 1, I have a 90% cure rate but I'm still nervous. The simple fact is, 'I've had cancer or have it'. Once you've had cancer its never the same. You now know your body is capable of allowing the evil 'visitors' to overrule the good population and pollute it. No matter how positive or strong you are - its still scary.

I vow to continue to be strong, to continue to fight and to remember those who may have lost the fight before me and fight harder in there memory. I also join hands with those still fighting and those in remission. We must and can concur canSer.

In memory of those I've lost to cancer:

Iona Ovelson - Dear family friend

Grandma Felstead

Granda Young

Uncle Russ

Robyn Brown - High school friend

..and many more..

To those who have concurred cancer or are currently fighting your battle and given me many words of inspiration - this posts for you.

One Love,

B

NoPainZone

Today is a week since my first chemo treatment. They say it gets better but unfortunately for me this week has gotten worse. I'm staying tough and strong though. I was really hoping to be back at work today and to be honest wish I was. (that's when you know you have been at home sick to long...and it hasn't even been that long...one week...eek.)

Not sure how this next week will go but I'm hoping and sending myself positive vibes that I'll start on the upswing soon.

Today is going to be a shorter post. I just want to thank everyone that's been around this past weekend for helping me out with food and visits etc. My dear friend Taryn was here from Edmonton and kept me smiling.

Hoping everyone an amazing week, keep strong no matter what you are going through, remember to stop and smell the flowers today (for me to ;-) .. and as I always try to tell myself - it could be worse so ride the wave baby.

One Love,

bgirl xo

What gets you through.....

MANGO LASSIES

I'm five days into my first chemo treatment and I can't really sugar coat that its been a kind of gruelling week. :-( Today I started to think about all the things that get me through. One thing I think about when I'm having a bad day is how delicious the Mango Lassies were in Asia. Since Monday my taste buds have pretty much been wiped out and its been difficult to eat. Chemo brings with it all kinds of nasty side effects. One of them for me has been severe jaw/neck/throat/ear/head pain. This is apparently a 'rare' side effect of the chemo drugs 'vincristine'. It started two nights ago when I tried to eat a small piece of strawberry. This piercing pain went through both sides of my jaw and has set in since. Last night was particularly gruelling. I felt like I had the most intense migraine headache of my life with this crazy jaw/throat/ear pain. I've been prescribed T3's and Gabopentin in the last 2 days but I'm Leary of taking yet more drugs. They all make you kind of doped up. (which actually isn't the worst side effect b/c then you're just kinda numbed out but still .. haha)

Despite all the pain I've been trying to get some nutrition into me to keep me going. My naturopath gave me a great tip for smoothies for the days I can't eat. Here is my recipe that's really been doing the trick for me:

1/2 banana (sometimes whole banana)

1/4 avocado

2 scoops Ultra Meal Rice Protein Powder -Great for helping keep lean muscle mass

Hemp, Almond or Soy Milk (unsweetened)

Frozen Berries

Fresh Mango (when I want a change and can handle it)

I've also been trying really hard to get lots of water into me with Aloe Vera juice - which is soothing on my very soar throat. I swish my mouth with baking soda/water mixture and also Silver solution which helps with not getting a soar mouth on top of everything else.

Today to ease my muscle pains I had the most devine bath with Epsom salts and pure lavender oil. Its very soothing and helped temporarily. The Epsom salts also help with joint pain.

(wowzers I sound like I'm 90 hey? ieieieiie)....

The best thing though was when my mom was here she really helped take care of me in a way only moms can. Every night she rubbed my feet with grape seed oil and frankincense oil. She's does massage therapy and did heat transfer on my body which instantly relaxed me and really did help me sleep. Mom's gone back to good 'ol Alberta now (*tear*) but she's coming back hopefully for my last treatment. Last night was kind of rough after she left - it just kind of hits you that you are all alone. I have amazing friends here that are all being supportive and awesome - but no one replaces the way a mom takes care of her kids (no matter how old we are). So this week it is to my mom that I say thank you so much. Thank you for being with me in Chemo all day Monday when I know it breaks your heart seeing me sick. Thank you for staying strong for both of us and thank you for all your holistic insight that I truly believe is helping me get through this just a little bit better.

So those are the things that got me through this week. I'll hopefully be making more regular entries......and keeping all the peeps up to date.

Tonight I'm going to relax as a couple of gf's come by with soup and treats. (Thanks Lutz, Tina and Susie).

Hope everyone gets out and enjoys the weekend (have a drink for me to).

b :-) xx

We Are Family!!!!

We Are Family!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Oiu9jW-VyE

Yesterday was my first Chemo treatment! Wowee that was a loooong day. My mom flew in on Sunday to Thursday to be with me for the first round. We had to be at the hospital for 8am. It's so daunting. They open the chemo doors - the doors to this entirely different surreal world. Everyone rushes in to line up and as you stand there in that line up you just feel like you are walking into the valley of death. Must sound so morbid and yucky but its really the truth - for me anyways. (and I promised to express my real emotions in this blog so people would gain some insight and for those also going through this and know there feelings are normal.) I'm so glad my mom was with me yesterday - she was a real trooper. My family has stood behind me big time. The picture today is of my family from when we were little. (thanks to Caryn for sending me this old skool pic). You can save your laughs and comments about my hair cut for later..haha.. From left to right is: My oldest bro Jim (he's since learned how to smile, my momma, my 'lil bro Bear in the middle, then me (all smiles) pappa bear and then my older bro Mikey (who also has learned to smile since.) I grew up in a house of boys - its really a wonder I grew into a lady at all. I was a total tomboy growing up but maybe it made me a little tougher now for this battle.

There are a lot of little steps the first day of chemo. You have to register at the front reception, then go register at the chemo centre, then they weigh you (yahooo my fav part) and send you back to the waiting room to watch this lovely video on chemo. (I could barely watch it to be honest) Then you pick up your anti-nausea pill at the pharmacy and do some more waiting until finally the nice chemo nurse comes to get you set up. (yipee finally my turn - this is about the time when I almost turned around and bolted out the door.) But I didn't - mom and me marched right into the room with our tour guide (that's what Nurse Nancy called herself - I was kinda hoping for Nurse Jackie but she didn't show). They took me into a room with 5 beds and plunked me down next to a guy who was also doing the R-CHOP chemo (he was on round 5 so he was a bit of a pro and made me feel better.) Unfortunately as lovely as my nurse was she couldn't get the IV in - um can you say OUCH. She tried and tried and tried and finally went and got this other nurse who got it the first shot. So there I was all set up, before they start the chemo drugs you have to take 2 Tylenol, 2 Prednisone, and three of this tiny other steroid drugs - then they start you on the Benedryl drip and then your first chemo drug. It's nuts. For the rest of the day it went pretty smoothly. I slept on/off, had a few snacks, drank some water/juice and that was about it. I had one momentary allergic reaction to one of the drugs so they had to stop it, give me more Benedryl and some other drug and then start it up again. Wowzaaa.

At the end of the day we packed up (8.5 hrs later) and headed home. I was feeling not to bad and then BAM around 8pm I fell violently ill. I was so sick I could barely make it to the bathroom. All I wanted to do was throw up but I couldn't even do that. (Eventually I did which sucked as well) I was so sick for 4 or 5 hours. Mom gave me some natural stuff to help with my stomach which actually helped tremendously then she rubbed my feet with oils. Finally I was able to fall asleep. It's a choppy sleep though b/c of the Prednisone. Google it - its a gross drug. You feel like your on crack or something. This nervous energy just pulsates through your body and your hungry but nausea's .. mmm great combo.

So here we are today - I'm feeling a bit better and still managing to stay in good spirits despite it all. In fact mom and I had a giggling it at the hospital yesterday (probably due to be very overtired and all the drugs they gave me to help) and the nurse just smiled at us and said 'you guys aren't supposed to be having this much fun' ... hey whatever gets you thru this right? She later sat with us and talked for awhile and said not to push myself this week or at all during chemo and take care of me b/c I'll have a much quicker recover. Good advice and I totally agree.

Thanks everyone for all your messages yesterday it really gave me that extra strength to get through my first round and the coming weeks. I'm feeling a little bit better today so that's good to...other then the fact I'm typing at mock speed due to the Prednisone. haha .. YIKES.

B's xx

Turn your lights down low

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7Hv0Mrzxwc

Lauren Hill & Bob Marley

Today's blog is dedicated to my dear friend Taia who lost her fight with bipolar disorder 2 years ago this July. She was one of my dearest friends and her loss has taught me many life lessons. Its funny how human nature seems to state we have to endure losses before we truly start to appreciate the life we have. I've lost 4 close friends in the past 10 years. 2 died at 37 from heart attacks suddenly, 1 fell off a cliff and then my T committed suicide. Each time I lost someone I felt this light go on and I thought I'm going to live my life to the fullest. Life is precious and life is short!! As quickly as the light goes on though, it seems to get switched off. Its like I just go flick the switch off or turn the dimmer down. Life returns back to normal after the hurt and grief start to fade. Before you know it, its as if nothings really changed, your just missing a few of the pieces to the puzzle. What we don't realize is that every time we experience a loss we lose a piece of 'our own personal puzzle'. The question is - how do we replace that loss? Can we?

After Taia died I went through a lot of emotions, everything from grief to guilt to deep pain. As painful as it was and as much as I miss her it did lead me down a path of self-discovery. In the past two years I've done a few things I've been wanting to do for years: I travelled to SE Asia backpacking for two months, I started working on my degree in psychology at York University and I started volunteering at a shelter for abused women and kids. These things really brought a great perspective in my life and helped me focus on what makes me tick. The truth of the matter though is it wasn't until I was diagnosed with cancer two months ago that I really, truly got it about what matters and what doesn't. At the end of the day there are three simple things that matter: Your health, your family and love. When I say love I don't necessarily narrow it down to romantic love. Love is so encompassing and can include everything from romantic love to passionate love to friendship love, right down to simple love for mankind in general. It's essential in whatever way you like to define it, without love we really cease to exist as our unique human selves.

I hold onto that philosophy as I embark on the next part of this fight against the Alien in my body, the visitors. For those of you who watch V on TV you'll get what I'm sayin'. ;-) From now on CanSer's new name is 'the visitor'!! It ain't stayin so that's exactly what it is - the visitor. In fact as of yesterday it would appear that my body has already kindly asked 'the visitor' to leave because my CT scan and Bone Marrow both came back negative for further involvement of Lymphoma. I'm officially stage 1 - localized disease (this is a very, very good thing - do a little dance, make a little love - get down tonight..haha) ... YIPEEEE!! BUT WAIT...back up...it isn't that simple. I still have to do chemo/radiation. I've been struggling with this the past 2 weeks but finally made my decision today that I'm going to do it. Given the aggressive, high-grade type of lymphoma (and ultimately blood cancer) I have it seems to be the wisest decision if I want a complete cure. (we all know there is never really a complete cure when it comes to cancer - but as close to that as possible is what I'm aiming for.) So Monday it is. I have to do 2 or so months of chemo followed by 3 weeks of radiation and then I'm potentially in the clear. :-) At the moment I have the best of the best prognosis - its just getting through the yucky mustard gas poison they are going to infuse me with on Monday to get 'the visitors' to permanently leave.

I have a amazing team behind me including my kickbutt Naturopath Dr. Meghan Walker. I highly recommend her. http://www.integrativehealthinstitute.ca/index.shtml. I have my master guru herbal guy out west, my kickbutt naturopath doctor here who has consulted with the head of Lymphoma at sick kids (they are related) and my oncologist team at Sunnybrook. On top of that there is 'Team Brandi' which includes all my amazing friends, family and acquaintances that have come on board as I enter stage 2 of my battle.

So that's that ... I'm going to kick 'the visitor's butts out of B-town and continue to wage war on there little spikey behinds'. I do this for those I've lost either tragically or to cancer or old age and for all those who activiely continue to support me through thick and thin.

Be gone visitors.....grrrrrrrrrr......

Bgirl

The Children of Mother Earth

(The babies of Cambodia)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Glny4jSciVI&feature=related

*my video today is for all the babies in the world hurting* (I also really think Jamie Foxx is hot .. haha.. had to throw my humour in there today)

Everyday is a new day to decide how you're going to feel about where life has landed you. Everyday since Chemo I wake up and feel like a truck ran over me. I'd like to lay in that bed all day, drugged up on super pain med's and just zone out. (which I can't lie I've done a couple of days) But the reality is for the most part I'm to stubborn to do that. So eventually I force myself to get up, I force myself to make something to eat (or just a smoothie), I force myself to take all the good stuff (i.e. herbs etc) I know will inevitably help me get through this chemo poison and I keep going. Some days I have to fake it. Yup that's right you heard me right 'FAKE IT'..haha. There are times in life when we have to use the immense strength of our minds and subconscious to help our bodies heal and keep moving forward. This is of course not always that easy but I'm always aware that if I allow my mind to dip into the depths of depression and 'downsville' that it is hard to get out of that slump. We've all been there at different times in our lives and its different things that can drag us down. I've found as I've gone through difficult situations that sometimes its the daily stresses that are more taxing then huge life obstacles. That might sound funny but in some instances its true.



Think about how all the little life obstacles add up and then BAM one day you are just think to yourself, 'I can't take it anymore!'. I've heard that numerous times amongst friends, family and coworkers. I've seen people so stressed out from work, from family responsibilities and life that they really looked completely exhausted and drained. Somewhere in human history we stopped nurturing ourselves and our families. We've gotten so caught up in 'making a living' or 'pursuing our careers' or 'raising our families' ... that we've really, truly, stopped having fun and enjoying life. When I was travelling through SE Asia last year that became so very apparent to me especially in a country like Cambodia. Cambodia is a poor country with a lot of violent, sad history. Yet when you meet the people of Cambodia you are blown away by there smiles and resilience. They are a country that almost had there history wiped out by diverse wars. Perhaps the most well known though was that depicted in the movie 'The Killing Fields.' To put it simply the Khmer Rouge (political group) reached the capital Phnom Pen in 1975 and was led by there leader Pol Pot. As we travelled through Cambodia and had the privilege to speak to a few Cambodians - it was very evident that the name Pol Pat still struck fear and sadness in the people. The Khmer Rouge was basically responsible for the deaths of 1-3 Million Cambodians in the matter of 3 years. They killed anyone that even remotely oozed any 'Western' influences from there pores. Minority groups were targeted, professions such as lawyers, doctors, reporters, anything artistic was destroyed. Families were torn apart and children told to forget there parents, mothers pulled from there babies and put into labour camps and men slaughtered to keep them from trying to get there familes back. Something as simple as wearing eyeglasses was a target for death as the Khmer Rouge seen these as a sign of Intellectualism. It was a genocide that swept the country and brought a vibrant (french influenced) country to its feet. As you travel through the country you can see where great beauty once existed (and still does as they rebuild).



My point for bringing this history up is that travelling through Cambodia showed me how simple people can live and still smile. I brought back with me many life lessons from my 2 weeks there. No one is saying we shouldn't enjoy life and the nice things that Western culture has to offer but the point is that I think most of us allow these 'things' that are supposed to make us happy - rule us. They don't end up making us happy and we end up stressed out and sick.



As I go through this battle with cancer I continuously remind myself of the people in the world that do not have the things I have: The health care systems to help me get through this. The clean water I get to drink everyday to help cleanse my body. The herbal supplements I can buy that help rebuild my body. And simply the support and strength I have from those who surround me with love and good, positive vibes. Even when finances are lower or strength seems hard to find - I still have so much more then a large portion of the earths people. Everyday I'm blessed for this and remember it. Every day I continue to keep my strength up by thinking of the things I will do to pay it forward in the future.



For today I rest and tomorrow I will do some acupuncture to help with the pain from chemo. But never will I forget all the lost children who's pain is absolutely more then mine today.



One Love,



Brandi xx

Music = Release

"One good thing about music, when it hits - you feel no pain" Marley

Music is something that has always soothed my soul and been able to either lift me into the clouds or dump me into the gutter. Its emotional, its passionate, it tells a story, it mends broken hearts, helps us get through tough times when we can't seem to pick ourselves up and walks us through trenches of love. It reminds us of times passed and is able to zzzzooom us right back to specific moments in our past when we least expect it. You can be driving along and some stupid old song comes on and BAM you are right back on that beach in Thailand or remembering a crazy kiss you had years ago. Bob Marley said it best and thus the basis of my blog today and my picture. I took that picture in Vietnam in a sleepy, pretty town called Hoi An. It's in the middle of Vietnam, close to the ocean and was by far my favourite time in Nam. We ended up in that beach bar on our last night in Hoi An and I loved that picture on the wall. Whenever I'm having a bad day or a moment where I'm feeling bummed out and down, I blast whatever music makes me feel better or whatever lets me wallow in my own sadness or pity for a few minutes.

No matter how rockin strong of a peep you are, you are still human and it's something one should never forget. Feeling real, deep, gutted, beautiful, hard feelings is what makes our species unique and what makes us ... US. Sometimes we need to just let it all out and have our Dane Cook moment.(lol) Grab onto the back of that couch and just have a weepathon. I can't do it as much justice as he does in this clip although by clicking beware of .. 'shhhhh bad werds' oops!! (http://www.vidly.net/video-comedian-dane-cook-explaining-crying.html)

I had a couple of moments today at work where I teared up talking to my gf's in the kitchen which up until now I really haven't done much of. It really just made me emotional all of a sudden that I may have to start chemotherapy and soon. I instantly became a little girl as my lower lip hung out, my eyes filled with tears and I said to my friend Kristy, 'I don't wanna do this anymore and I haven't even started treatment yet'! All these things flashed through my head about the next few months and how I'd go from feeling fantastic right now to potentially feeling pretty rough. I thought about the big possibility of losing my hair and I suppose my vanity set in temporarily. I felt alone as I thought about the fact I live solo and my immediate family is all in Alberta. For a few hours today I questioned my strength and if I could get through this difficult time in my life. I tell all of you this because I think it's important for people to know that we all have fears and sadness at times no matter how resilient and strong we are. Then I snapped out of it. Something always pulls me back from the dark and into the light. (alot of times its some song on the radio or a fav I pull up on youtube)I'm not really sure what it was today but maybe my Alicia Keys marathon! Sometimes its rather subtle and other times its so blatantly in my face yelling at me to step back and look at all I do have and to stop worrying or being sad about what I'm lacking.

Today was a subtle moment that lured me back into the positive vibe and energy corner. Last week at Sunnybrook I had a more blatant, in your face moment that snapped me back to reality. I had walked past the wig shop and for some reason it really hit me what was happening to me (you think the Bone Marrow Biopsy would have done that.. but noooo it was the wig shop - typical girl!!) As I sat there chatting with my friend Wayner I mentioned to him that it really bothered me walking past the wigs. Just as I was saying that a door opened behind him and over his shoulder I could see this young boy maybe around 10 who was severely disfigured. You could tell his entire face had been burned off almost. I instantly stopped feeling sorry for myself and snapped outta la la land. Sometimes we worry about all the wrong things. :-(

I do indeed have a rough road ahead of me depending on my chemo treatment but I'm blessed to be surrounded by amazing people who have offered there support, love and encouragement in ways that have overwhelmed me to tears. I could not be as strong without being surrounded by my army of love and goodness. This post is to all of you have shown your strength so well in this uncertain time by staying strong for me even when I know its hard for you. My parents being the biggest. They are pillers of strength even though I know they are so worried about me. My closest friends who have offered to fly all the way from far off places like Vancouver, Edmonton and Calgary to be with me (and some of them have actually already booked flights.) AND all my Toronto peeps who are constantly in touch with me, visiting me, coming with me to doctors appointments, cooking for me and all that jazz when they know maybe I need just need a little nudge or a hug or kiss on the forehead. A big huge thanks with lots of hugs and kisses to all of you.

For those of you who are having a bad day, week, month, year or maybe just plain and simple a bad life - try to keep all things in perspective. When that doesn't work remember Bob's words "One good thing about music - when it hits, you feel no pain." .. .and then blast your fav tune and do a little dance. ;-) It works for me.

Here's my song for today: I luv this video and came across it in my last psych class....Kate Nash, Foundation. (catchy tune, witty and makes me laugh)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryH5cga0yUI

One love,

B

Sweep the Leg! No Mercy!

I've been trying to catch up in my blogs for the past couple of months so I haven't really been talking about what is going on 'right now'. Yesterday I was at Sunnybrook all day for tests. I had blood work, a bone marrow biopsy and CT scan. Now let me tell you a little something about what I'll refer to as the bmb - bone marrow biopsy (not to be confused with bbm haha)! It's a procedure that no matter how careful they try to be, you feel no mercy. Its like in Karate or the Karate Kid Movie! (thus my picture today) Sweep the leg, take the opponent down, get them, no mercy - Woweee!! ... and finally a big old OUCH.

I wasn't really sure what to expect yesterday when I went in for the procedure. In fact I had purposely not read to much about it because I didn't want to freak myself out. This week was also really busy as I also had to study and write my final Psych exam. (Which I'm pretty sure, fingers crossed, I passed.) Trying to keep up my psychology class as been challenging with my health 'dilemmas' but its also helped keep me focused and worry less about the things I can't control.

Sarah came with me in the morning to hold my hand as only a close gf could. I was being tough but still when you get in that procedure room and see the big, long, daunting needles laying there waiting for you - you suddenly become a little kid. The doctor asked if it was okay for 2 fellows to watch her to help train them. WHY oh WHY do I always get the doctors training the newbie Grey's kids. The procedure itself would be much less scarry if you didn't have to listen to a play by play of every ... little ... thing ... she is going to do and has just done. FREAKY FRIDAY DUDE. (in this case, Freaky Thursday but who's paying attention anyways.) Of course in the true sense of science I said it was no problem - half way through I was wishing I had kindly declined the additional attention from the lovely 'doctors in training'.

The worst part is that you totally trip yourself out thinking the worst pain of your life is coming when in reality its only the worst pain that day that comes (maybe that week or even month) but it definately wasn't the worst pain of my life. What I'm about to write isn't for the faint of heart - so if you are squimish or faint easily I'd skip over this part. They perform the Bmb by freezing the outter later by your hipbone before pressing in further to then freeze the actual bone. Once that is done they insert a much larger needle that goes right down and they suck out bone marrow. (this is so lovely ... all you can do is think happy thoughts .. think happy thoughts...yowzaaa.) Once they get that sample they go back in with a bigger needle and take a sample of the actual bone. It feels like they are stirring something in your back with alot of pressure and twinges of pain. Believe it or not throughout this I actually kept my sense of humour and cracked a couple of jokes (inbetween trying not to breath to fast and hyper ventelate.) I managed to get a chuckle out of Sarah and the nurse. At one point the doctor actually stopped and said 'I don't usually have to say this to people but you have to stop giggling as its making you move around.' OOPS .. sorry Dr. Gena.

Now don't think that I wasn't in pain because let me tell you it ain't pretty. As I'm sure you've figured out so far my way of dealing is with humour which I managed to maintain somewhat. You can ask Sarah she was there holding my hand the entire time. (sorry again for almost squeezing your hand off girl). Near the end the doctor moved the needle and I got a sharp pain (at which I did let out a couple of small yelps). When she started to go back in I just said 'just getter done, give'er' .. she laughed and said 'I like that 'give'er' hahaha ... No one in that room knew it was from the movie FUBAR so basically I had a inside joke only with myself - oh well still funny! A few other funny things happened that relieved the stress and calmed me down which I'm sure Sarah can reiturate better then I. High levels of pain I'm sure made me minimally delusional.

The rest of the day I was waiting for my CT scan (pretty uneventful for the most part). I had a good friend spend the afternoon with me and take good care of me last night by making me a yummy dinner. Thanks Buddy! Thank goodness I did have someone with me because once the freezing started to wear off ... WOWZA!!! I felt like I'd been Karated Chopped across my lower right back. I suddenly felt like one of Mr. Miyagi's students - the students that lose and pretty much get the 'sweep the leg, no mercy' move and lose against it. I started feeling it at the hospital when I had to lay down again for the CT Scan but I really felt it at home when I was trying to sit on the couch. Now aside from the fact my body felt completely beat up after leaving the hospital and sitting was alot of pain and uncomfortable - it was quite amusing I'm sure watching me try to come up with new ways to plop myself down on the couch. Everytime I got up and came back to sit down it was this huge ordeal. I would just stand and stare at the couch for a few minutes figuring out my strategy. lol

So that's that ... Lesson I learned yesterday is Bone Marrow Biopsy = Sweep the leg, no mercy move. Strike that one off my list of andrenal rushes.

BTW - DISCLAIMER: I'm not very grammically correct - I write what I feel and sometimes spell check, sometimes don't. I write long sentences and put !!! and ??? and ( ) in places they probably shouldn't be..haha... At the end of it though I get my point across and hopefully without driving to many peeps to nutty. ;-)

Bulletproof - tomorrow's a big day....

I've got my hat on - ready for tomorrow. Ready for the bullets that might come my way when I meet with my oncologist. (I'm not really sure how bullet proof I'll be in my rice field hat I bought in Cambodia but I'll try to dodge 'em lol) ... Tomorrow I get the results from my CT Scan and Bone Marrow Biopsy. This will tell them what stage my canSer is at. For those not familiar, once you are diagnosed with any type of disease, the next step is to stage it - they figure out how progressed it is. I'm a bit nervous and having a hard time sleeping so here I am blasting La Roux and writing.

The weirdest part is I can already see my results for my bmb online. CRAZY TALK. They signed me up at Sunnybrook a few weeks ago so I can have online access to all my test results etc. I can also share these with whomever I want - any doctor, naturopath, family member etc .. anytime i want. You would think maybe they wouldn't put results up until you've been in to see the doc but nope there they are right up there just waiting to be decoded by detective b. You can only imagine how much googling occurs after looking at scientific test results that involve oneself. From what I can tell I'm in the clear but then again I thought I would be in the clear after my tonsil surgery and look where I am. (maybe I'll just wait to see what Dr. Gena says tomorrow and stop trying to be sherlocke holmes ... mmm Robert Downey Jr.....now that I can fall asleep to). haha

I bid you all a good night as I head off to my sweet oasis of dream land. Enjoy La Roux - Bulletproof. ;-) My song for today (actually my theme song right now) is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUsbpmQ9-mc

One Love,
Bgirl

5 Min Pity Parties Only.....

CANCER!! There are a million things that run through your head when you are told this and suprisingly at the same time your mind kinda just goes blank. It's so true that you stop listening after the doctor says something like that. Its like the room starts zooming in and out and you feel like you are in the twilight zone. My first reaction was 'repita por favour', 'excuse me', 'HUH'!! (insert raised eyebrow here). My mom was with me in the room and she also just looked shell shocked, altho I was really trying not to look at her. She held her own in that room though and I was really proud of her. We both wanted to tear up but for some reason we didn't. (naturally that did come later) I was so stunned by the news that I barely asked the doctor any questions and he barely told me anything. He said being an ENT he wasn't well versed in the different types of Lymphom and it was best left to the oncologist to fill me in. What he would say though was that it was a type of cancer that was very treatable and curable as well. Well hallaluja - I've got the good kind of cancer - NOT!!! My next question was how long was I going to have to wait to here my fate from the oncologist, which he couldn't say but a few weeks probably?!?! Oh okay no problem just a few more weeks - WHAT, errm, stop, back up .. a fewww weeks. (bad words come to mind in that situation but sitting next to my mother I had to hold my tongue and use words like - oh gosh, darn, yikes - when what I was really thinking was sh*tballz, f***k and I'm toast). That was it, within a matter of 3 minutes I found out my tonsil healed beautifully but that it was filled with nasty fast growing cancer cells. Excellent!! (note large amount of sarcasm here)


Dr. Lee then walked us over to his assistant to make the rest of the appropriate appointments and get further information. We sat with his secretary (very cool lady named Bernadette)! She gave me some really solid advice that day that I've stuck with since I walked out her door. She said to me 'Brandi, allow yourself 5 minutes a day for a pitty party then pick yourself up and keep going with a smile.' I thought to myself - 'huh, easy for you to say!' Then she got up out of her chair and I instantly knew her advice was based on personal experience. She looked like perhaps she had polio or something as she had quite a difficult time walking. The thing was that she really gave'er when she was running around that office. She didn't let her disability get in the way at all. She was my inspiration that first day to keep going, never give up and try to keep a smile on my face as much as possible while doing so. I try to see the light at the end of the tunnel (like my picture for today's post that was taken in Vietnam last year. It was taken in a cave with the light shining down). *sigh* (sidebar - most of the pictures I am posting are ones I've taken at some point in my travels)

So that was it! I walked into St. Mikes expecting a clean bill of health and walked out a cancer patient. (5 minutes for today is up - next..)

Three days to drink a gatorade - ouch!

I think the #1 piece of advice I would ever give someone going through something similar to me is to not take everything to seriously. It can be hard not to drown in our own pity party when confronted with a diagnosis that is unpredictable and revolves around your very existence, but you have to find a way to keep swimming! Everyone has there own way of dealing - I personally find great comfort in humour. I like to smile even when I feel like crying. When I'm crying - I like to try to laugh. Trust me on this one, it can be done! It reminds me of a funny story from a few years ago. I was driving my bestie Sarah (aka - Bing) to the airport and we got pulled over for taking a wrong left turn between 4 and 7 pm. This was one of those days that started out bad and just got worse. Here we are already running late, the traffic was ridiculous that day and so I decided to take a de-tour. Our de-tour ended up almost making poor Sarah miss her flight. To top it all off when the cops pulled us over I remembered that I had an overdue ticket from before not paid. (Nice - 2 tickets in less then a month) I'm freaking out thinking they are going to tow my car (because in lovely Ontario when you don't pay your fine on time - they temporarily suspend your license until you pay them a whopping $150 to reinstate it - Most excellent Ted)! So as we sit in the car thinking my car is going to get towed and Sarah is going to miss her flight - I start to tear up. Sarah is comforting me and I'm telling her maybe we should get her a taxi when out of the side of my eye I see the other cop in the car. With tears still streaming down my face I stop mid-sentence and say to Bing "Um is that other cop back there a hottie or what?"....WE BUST OUT LAUGHING. The lesson here is we can almost always find a way to lesson the stress of the situation we find ourselves in.

February 8 was the day my tonsil surgery was scheduled. Two days prior you have to go in for the pre-op exam to make sure you are healthy enough for surgery. I'm still a little vague on exactly what they checked that day that 'ensured' I was ready for surgery but apparently I was set. You see the nurse, then the anesthesiologist (umm he was a jerk) and then the regular doctor on site (totally nice guy). They do the usual mis-mosh of exciting things - weigh you (AHHHHH), measure your height, check your blood-pressure and that was it. That was it!! That was it except for the lovely anesthesiologist being extremely rude to me, telling me I was obese (yes you heard me correctly) and saying it was a real epidemic in our society. He was rude, arrogant and completely off-side. I'm not exactly sure where they find some of these bafoons in our health care industry but they really make it bad for all the wonderful, amazing doctors out there. I won't bore you with all the details but needless to say he wasn't my anesthesiologist after that initial meeting.

Tonsil surgery day arrived and I was totally nervous. I've never really had surgery before and although getting your tonsils out seems routine - I was scared just a 'lil bit. I was equally nervous about what they would find once they took it out. :-( ... Lucky for me my folks flew out to be with me during the surgery and then take care of me after. St. Mikes was great and all the staff as well (for the most part)! Dr. Lee my ENT was amazing and made me feel very comfortable and relaxed. Before the surgery he comes in to see you and make sure you are good. He also introduced me to my new anesthesiologist. UMMM hellooo...cha-ching...jackpot!!! He was straight out of Grey's Anatomy..."Hello McSteamy". All of a sudden I was completely aware that I was not in my Saturday night Best's and was in this ugly hospital gown with no make up and my hair tied back with my mother giving me the stare and trying to see if he had a ring on. Typical!!! (it was pretty funny though). Now from what I remember on all the TV shows (ER, Chicago Hope, Grey's, Private Practice) they wheel you into the operating room and by the time you get there you are already OUT. Not so this day. I had to walk myself right into the operating room and pull my lovely self right onto the operating table. There were jelly pads for my head and I had to stretch my arms right out on both sides of me. Then they hooked me up to all the heart monitors and ask if I want to hold my own oxygen over my mouth which of course I did. (umm can you spell A N X I E T Y) .. The last thing I remember is Dr. McSteamy saying he was putting a little medicine in my arm now and holding my handdd...and BAM - Out like a light.

The surgery went really well and Dr. Lee was super happy with the results as he was able to completely take my right tonsil out and it was encased. This means that anything that was in the tonsil had not spread. He spoke to my folks while I was still out and suggested it would be good for them to stay until I came back in for the results. When I heard this I knew it wasn't going to be good news. I just knew.

The next week was pretty brutal. Recovering from tonsillectomy at 35 is no walk in the park but non-the-less easier then what was yet or is yet to come. It took me 3 days to drink a small bottle of Gatorade because it was sooo painful to swallow. Thank goodness for liquid codiene. They tried to give me T3's to swallow when I was coming out of the anesthesia and I crackd some joke about not being able to barely swallow my own spit let alone a T3 and told them to sign me up for the liquid crack instead. haha The next two weeks were a liquid diet. I healed up great though with the help of my very holistic mother. She had all kinds of remedies and oils and stuff that helped me get back on my feet.

Check-up and diagnosis day arrives. I really thought we would go in and Dr. Lee would say how awesome the surgery went and they didn't find anything. Boy was I wrong. The surgery did go well and I healed awesome but no one can ever brace themselves for the following...

'You have Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma'! WTF!

2009 - It Starts!

Like most diseases there are a lot of unknowns surrounding the big 'C' especially for those who have never been directly or personally affected by it. This is fast changing as studies show the rise in CanSer now touches more lives then ever. Based on current incidence rates, 40% of Canadian women and 45% of men will develop cancer during their lifetimes. An estimated 1 out of every 4 Canadians are expected to die from cancer. Those are some pretty high, startling statistics that if we allow could scare the bajeeba's out of us. (especially those of us already apart of the 'stats')! But we can't allow fear or ignorance to keep us from knowledge as knowledge is power. The more we understand, the more educated we become and the more we let go of fear, the better equipped we are to win over something like CanSer. (we can apply these rules to pretty much anything in life really but the topic today is the big 'C').

It was late last year I noticed a tickling in my throat that was somewhat annoying but easily ignored. I couldn't really tell you for sure how long this went on for but perhaps a month or so before I finally took a look in the mirror. My stomach instantly sank as I saw the growth on the right side of my throat. After confirming with my roomie that it didn't look good, I knew I had to take myself to the doctor asap. Work was crazy at the time and I was in the process of getting ready for a meeting in New York so this was not an appropriate time to get sick. (like the sick gods ever take into account when is or isn't a good time!) I immediately went to the walk-in clinic and they prescribed me antibiotic (of course) which after 7 days did nothing. I went back and she prescribed me a stronger one that you only take for 4 days and made me really sick to my stomach. Oh well I thought 'suck it up', I needed something as I was boarding the plane the next day for NYC for work. That next four days in the big apple (I might mention my first trip there) were a mixture of excitement and total exhaustion. My body did not like me at all - it felt beat up like the Central Park sign in this post :-(! Here I am in NYC and on antibiotics, so no sipping cosmopolitans like a true Sex and The City gal ;-p .. (Zoey and I did manage however to do a whirlwind shopping tour and pick up some hot deals - yipee). If you can't drink - shop! haha

When I got home I made another appointment to see a medical doctor at my naturopath clinic. She did some blood work which came back normal and prescribed me the strongest antibiotic for 7 day course. It actually took down the tonsil quite a bit but not enough. I needed to get back to see her but couldn't so I ended up back at my old clinic with the doctor on-site that day. He was training a new doctor that day so I went through my entire speech twice and his conclusion was that I had an abscessed tonsil. Awesome - Not! He put a request in for me to see an ENT at St. Mikes. There was a few back and forth in the next month and a half including seeing a scary old doctor up in Brampton. Looking back he did know his stuff but at the time he scared the crap out of me, so I got a second opinion. Second opinion day happened on Jan. 22 at St. Mike's. I wasn't really expecting what came that day. After Dr. Lee looked in my throat he immediately asked if he could run some additional tests. I saw the worry on his face and my stomach did a little flip - I think I knew at that moment something was wrong. I had the lovely test of having a tiny camera put up my nose and down into my throat. AWkWARD....and yuck. Then he immediately sent me for a CT Scan - I had one an hour later. That totally freaked me out because I know how long it can take to get in to have one. Next thing I know I'm back in his office and he's got me signed up for surgery to have a biopsy of my tonsil, potentially the entire right tonsil out. He told me the concern for him was it could be lymphoma because it didn't look like a normal infected tonsil but he still had hopes it was just a weird infection. I truly never allowed my mind to go to the CanSer field - In my head the entire time I was thinking 'not likely, as if, no way - I'm young.

Before the surgery I flew home to E-town for my friend Taryn's wedding and to go see a master herbalist guru dude in Calgary at his clinic - link attached for those who are interested. http://www.wrc.net/. I've been to him many times over the years but not since I'd moved to Toronto. He's known out west as the godfather of herbal healing. ("I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse' Don Corleone..haha). Anyways, he is quite amazing I must say and has studied herbs extensively from all around the world. He put me on a few different things and told me to start them immediately. I was also to cut out all white sugar, white flour products, alcohol etc immediately. I flew home the next day and within a few days I was already feeling way better then I had in the previous 3 months. I could breath again through my nose. I also had a couple of treatments with essential oils to help detoxify my body . Essential oils also have very potent healing properties and they have been a regular part of my household regimen for years. I'll talk about all my herbal, holistic stuff in upcoming posts. ;-) Anyone who truly knows me, knows I'm a firm believer in East meets West healing. I think that is where we go wrong when we are trying to 'cure' a disease. There are so many different components and levels to healing that aren't just about 'curing' the disease. More thought and study needs to be given to prevention in the first place, with a multi-faceted approach to attacking it that includes holistic, medical and spiritual/emotional aspects.

Next up on the CanSer train - My tonsil surgery .... stay tuned!!

Victory

I am for the very first time in my life going to start a blog. I've thought about it a few times, most recently last year when I spent 2 months trekking through SE Asia but alas I was having way to much fun to take the time daily to blog. I kind of wish I had of now - all those funny stories I could recall (although some of which I'm sure wouldn't have made it to blog land but stay nestled tightly in the "what happens in Asia stays in Asia vault" haha). Its funny to me that it is my current health dilemma's (yes I like to refer to them as dilemma's) that have led me to finally start one. If you are reading this and you know me, you know I was recently diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma - Diffuse Large B Cell. (I'll put more in a later post about the details of this type of Lymphoma). Its my hope with this blog to not only keep my spirits up and strong by the strength of the written word BUT to also inspire and keep those around me full of hope and strength as well. Anyone who has been through this ordeal knows that repeating your story and diagnosis and prognosis and when this doctors appointment is, and how did it go, and what is next - over and over and over again is quite draining. A few friends pointed me in this direction of the blog and here I am - embarking on my bada*s blogging career.

I've entitled my first blog 'Victory' because I fully plan on being Victorious over this evil, big, bad CanSer that has invaded my body against my will. I plan on bringing Victory to the table, to the playing field, to all the people in my life. Together with your help and support and my stubborness ;-), I will and already am Victorious over this disease.

First official blog to come soon ... stay tuned as you begin your journey with me through the trials and tribulations and triumphs the next few months will bring and already have.

Bgirl xx