The wheels keep on turning......

The Wheels Keep on Turning!!!!

I decided it was time to get back to this blogging thing! It has been 4 months since I finished chemo and almost 3 since Radiation. Its funny how fast time slips through our fingers. I remember talking with a few people who had been through treatment before I started and they said before I knew it all of this would be a distant memory. At the time, it all felt so overwhelming and daunting like it was going to take over the rest of my life - forever! Very dramatic I know but it truly is how you feel at the time. Now here I sit at my desk (yes grumble, grumble my desk - oh and shhhhh I'm at work)!! I sit here and wonder what's next?

My thoughts are random and all over the place most days and probably why I haven't been able to focus much on blogging or keeping up with it. Whether we like it or not life goes back to normal after a hardcore life event. Its inevitable that we have to return to the normal, everyday routine. This is typically a thing we welcome after going through something like the bit 'C'!! You can't wait to get back to normal life, you want to work again, play with friends, hit the gym - get your pre big 'C' body back, start dating again & volunteering. You have this new outlook on life and you want to venture out into the big, bad world and use it for the greater good of mankind. You want to be back to your old self. The reality is - you'll never be the same 'old self' again. It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside or what people think they see or perceive. In the deep parts of your new survivor self - you are different. Yes you are a survivor. Yes you are tough. Yes you are resilient. But you are also a little bit wounded, its like coming out of a battle where the outward scars might not be evident but the emotional scarring is still buried within. Now I don't say any of this to be negative - I say it to be real. What are we in life if we don't show all sides of what we go through as humans. I've had a quite a few people come to me lately asking about what I went through because they have a friend now going through it. It made me realize that there is still insite I can give from a post-treatment perspective that may help some going through this. Not only those who are actually battling CanSer but also those who surround us. This blog is dedicated to all those battling against the evil alien invaders, those who have conquered and those who surround us with your Superior support troops. :-)

You all rock - don't forget it.

Going forward I'm going to make a huge effort to blog about health awareness!!! This will not be limited to the big, bad 'C'! I believe that being educated and knowledgeable about our health is the biggest gift we can give ourselves. Whether this is taking care of our physical bodies or nurturing our spiritual and/or emotional side - the best being a combination of all the above mentioned. We all have an enourmous amount to give ourselves!! Let's giv'er peeps because no matter what, "The Wheels Keep on Turning!" ;-)

.......don't forget what you learned ;-)

Well its been awhile since I've written in my blog! :-( .. I know, I know - I'm bad!!!! I just needed to take a break from blogging about my cancer train trip everyday. I think it's just as important to allow your emotions to take a break from constantly thinking about and dealing with it. As much as it can be healing to talk about it and discuss and share all the ins/outs of what's going on, it can also be incredibly draining. SOOOOO it was time to just *peace out* and take a break. Fast forward a month and here I am getting back into the swing of things, finally!!

The past year was sure a huge life lesson for me. I've had a lot of people ask me if it changed me, or how do I view things now or what will I change going forward?? I find it interesting because in many ways I won't change a thing and on the other hand I have to say how could what I just went through not change me. I was faced with my own mortality, its that simple - that changes a persons perspective. Life doesn't seem so complicated after that. You realize its human nature that makes things seem so much more difficult then they really need to be. Life is life, people are people and the decisions/choices we make always have consequences - whether those are positive or negative. What I learned then is this; life is precious and beautiful and the most important things that I can acquire in my lifetime have no bearing on my career, being successful or material worth. The most powerful influences I'll ever have can also be the smallest, like hearing my 2 year old niece giggling on the phone.

That being said I've spent the last month since finishing up treatment just trying to get back on my feet and not forgetting the valuable lessons I've learned. I'm slowly returning to my pre-alien invasion status. ;-) .... I'm getting out with friends more now and my energy levels are slowly returning to normal as well. I started working out a couple times a week and my taste buds are almost back to normal - YIPEEEEEE!!!!!!! I'm going to continue blogging here and there. I think I still have a thing or two to say haha.......and hopefully it will benefit someone out there who has gone through what I have, who might just be finding out or the family and friends who surround those struggling. Don't give up!! Carpe Diem - Seize the Day.

I'm happy and I'm healthy!!!!!! (you'll here from me real soon again) .... stay tuned!!!!

B-Girl xx

....long weekend.....

Its hard to believe we are in July already and six months into 2010. I only have 3 more radiation treatments left this week and I'm done. Thank goodness for that as the radiation has already caused its dumb side effects. My mouth feels like a cotton ball and my throat is soar. On top of that I have managed to get a cold (I think) or at least I'm super stuffed up and feel like I have a nasty head cold. It's kind of hard to tell if I'm just having side effects from my radiation treatments or I'm getting the flu/cold. ieieie Sooo just as my chemo side effects kind of started to subside I have a new set of problems revolving around my mouth and throat...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! Bye bye taste buds and hello dry, soar mouth. Boooooooooo

I've been mostly taking it easy this long weekend as I've been feeling pretty crapola but managed to get out a bit and enjoy the weather and some good company. Today I was able to walk down to a friends bbq and then over to another friends little get together which was nice to see everyone and get out of the house for a few hours. (totally exhausted now....yawn) Yesterday I got out for a couple of hours to trying in vain to see the 'tall ships' and then just ended up having lunch in Distillery District before crashing at home for the night.

Here I am Sunday night and heading off to bed - tomorrow is session #8 of radiation .. meaning only 3 more to go ending this Wednesday - finally.....smile!!!!

Hope everyone had a awesome long weekend......

B

The Man in the Iron Mask (or woman) ;-)

I finished my second radiation treatment today! (8 more to go) Everyone has been asking me exactly what is involved so I googled some images to give you a better idea. Radiation is very different for the different types of cancer. Mine involved having the special face mask made for me which you can see a sample attached below. You can tell how closely it is strapped down to your face and upper body - so much so it left the marks on my face today. (the type of marks you get when you put your head down on your arm on your desk at work on a sleep winter afternoon and wake up 5 minutes later with lines on your head...haha but also YIKES.)

Basically you go in and they strap you down to the table and then disappear leaving you with some top 40 music as the radiation machine does it job. This takes about 10 minutes. Today at one point the music went out and I lay there in complete silence wondering what was going on. This brought on some anxiousness as my mind started to wonder and I of course started envisioning all kinds of kaos. I've always had a create, active imagination - great when you need to be creative ... BAD BAD BAD when you lie there strapped in with no way of getting out. You start to think of things like .. oh I don't know THE EARTHQUAKE AND TORNADO yesterday. You think ummm I wonder what would happened if there was an earthquake and I couldn't get unstrapped from that crazy radiation contraption. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....(yelling through the mask doesn't do much good b/c you can't even hardly move your mouth.... so its more like ahhhhh....lol.) So there I am lying there getting super anxious when the radiation technologist (such a fancy name for someone basically frying my neck) comes back in. Phewwwww. I ask her very nicely through my 'man in the iron mask' to please turn that bad top 40 back up so my mind stops thinking about potential natural disasters and what it must of been like for the man in the iron mask. lol

Today went much quicker then yesterday thank goodness.....2 down and 8 to go!!! I'm almost there folks.

B xx

Bucket List

(Ankor Wat - Siem Riep, Cambodia)

Bucket List 2010

• Take one course or semester abroad
• Obtain my Masters in Psychology
• Run 5K for cancer
• Continue volunteering with women and children's services
• Learn how to tango in Buenos Aries
• Open my own holistic counselling practice one day
• Take a photography course (or two)

• Spend more time with my family and adorable nieces
• Dance on the beach and watch the sun come up many, many more times in my long life
• Travel to Portugal next summer with Susie :-) .... and then continue on to Greece, Italy, UK and Spain *sigh*
• Expand my culinary palate and take some cooking classes
• Spend more time enjoying life and less time trying to figure how to enjoy it (haha)
• Find something everyday to be thankful and blessed for
• Return to Cambodia and visit kids in rural villages
• Find love again where ever that might be (and be open to it when it arrives and not scared) ;-)
• Enjoy the small simple things and let go of the negative things and energy that bog me down
• Climb Machu Picchu in Peru
• Get over my fear of being under water and spend more time in the ocean snorkeling (Belize, Australia Coral Reaf)
• Expand my involvement in humanitarian issues
• Drink wine, eat pasta and float down the rivers in Venice, Italy (hopefully with a handsome guy next to me)
• Learn a second or third language (probably French and Spanish)
• Go on a vacation with my folks (Hawaii maybe)
• Visit my dear friend Genevieve in Australia - this ones long, long overdue
• Take more risks, take a leap of faith, jump in blindfolded and just let go of all the things that do not add to my life

That's my list for now....I see lots of it involves travel which seems to be my passion. Seeing the world and all the differences and beauty in it expands my depth as a person. I can't wait to keep exploring and discovering it.

Here are a few pictures from my travels!!

(Street full of lanterns in Hanoi, Vietnam)

(Full Moon Sign on Kho Phangan, Thailand)

(Beautiful view on beach on Caye Caulker, Belize)

(Very cool bridge linking two sides of small town Hoi An, Vietnam)

(Market in Sihoukville, Cambodia - Beach town)

Caution - Radiation Area

June 22, 2010

Radiation starts tomorrow! Now they tell me that this will be a walk in the park compared to Chemotherapy so I'm hoping they are right. I only have to do ten sessions which is quite a bit less then expected. The dose is a lot lower then normal as well so this should mean that I have fewer side effects. My radiologist however kindly pointed out that so far I haven't been the poster child for side effects and so I should expect to be hit harder then usual. (most excellent .... grrrrrrrr) As my radiation is going to be on the my tonsil and one lymph node I should expect a soar throat and fatigue.

I went in last week for my 'radiation planning session' .. yes that is what they call it like its something exciting you just can't wait to plan for. I really wasn't sure what to expect as usual. I had my compadre Jeff with me though so that was some good back up. They take you in a room and basically you lie in a bed that goes through a machine that is like a CT Scan without hooking any IV or anything up to you. (thank goodness b/c needles and IVs and blood tests are really get old) I think I had the Motley Crew working on me that day b/c they didn't seem to quite know what they were doing which of course did not instill much confidence in me. They make a face mask especially fit to your face. Doesn't sound to bad now does it and actually how nice of them to make a face mask just for me. Hmmmmm I take it back...it sucked. They take out this rubbery material from hot water and mold it around your face (it is full of holes so you can still breath but barely) They pull it down around your face and then strap it to the table. Woweeeee. Now the day they did this I was still dealing with bad nausea from my last round of chemo and all I could smell was hot, yucky rubber. YACK!!!!!!! On top of that I am slightly claustrophobic and had to constantly talk myself through the fact I was breathing through small holes and had to keep my eyes closed. MMMM hmmmmmm daadddadadada what to think about, what to think about so I don't panic. Okay I'll admit it I thought about everything from my various travels to my ex boyfriends rippling muscles. (haha) Now he'll probably read this and get an inflated ego but its the truth the weirdest things pop into your head in those type of circumstances and I say whatever gets you through - go with it!!! Thank goodness for nice ripply tattooed boys. So I start that tomorrow and it will last for ten sessions so approximately two weeks and then I'm DONE....YIPEE!!!!!! Following that I have to redoe all my scans and make sure I'm all clear and then its just check-ups for the next five years and fingers crossed to relapses.

I've managed to get out a little bit the past couple of weeks but tire out pretty quickly. I think the fatigue will probably follow me for some time to come but I have started back on my holistic course and that will help me get back to normal faster. I also managed to have a massage last week which I have to say was 'fantabulous'.

July 17 we are having a celebration party for being done all the chemo and radiation....yipee!!! A nice chill fun night at Lola with all my favourite people that have surrounded me with there support, love and good vibes this past 8 months. More details to come on that soon.

Wish me luck tomorrow.........and I'll write again soon.

B

Bye Bye Chemo!!!!

First of all - CHEERS TO BEING DONE CHEMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPEEE~

That all being said I've been having total writers block this past two weeks. I'm not totally sure why but I think maybe I have a true case of 'chemo brain' that's set in and I can't shake it. GRRR. I start to write a blog and then go blank even though I know there is lots I could have written about this past few weeks. Hmmmmm doh!!!

I guess the biggest news is I finished chemo. My folks flew out to spend ten days with me and went with me for the last treatment and then took care of me for the next week. It was so great to have them around and made me truly appreciate having them right there by my side. I'd really been missing having my immediate family around while I was going through all of this. Everyone has been totally amazing but nothing can really replace your folks or brothers, nieces etc. I've been strong and positive through out this experience but I've had moments of feeling alone and down without my family....that is why it was soo great to have mom and dad here. The night of chemo I was extremely sick - more then the first two times and found my way to the good ol' loo quite a few times to visit the porcelain gods. :-( The next ten days were pretty rough with awful nausea, lack of appetite, bad metallic taste in mouth, shakes etc. I slowly immersed from the dark clouds and have been slowly getting back to normal. Now I'm just really tired and spent the past three days mostly resting.

While the folks were here we had our daily routine - they got up early and made there way to various coffee spots for there morning java and breakfast. I slept! They would come back around noon and I'd slowly get myself together and we'd try to get out of the house for a few hours. I knew they would need a project while there were here (other then taking care of me) so I saved my yucky patio for when they came. They loved it. We managed to visit some nurseries and greenhouses to get some patio flowers and plants. I usually only last a couple of hours and had to return home to rest. The bonus is that my patio looks very cute now and very cozy for me to be able to spend sometime out there reading and recouping this next month.

Mom and dad left last Monday - so a week ago today. Unfortunately that day was one of the sickest I've had and was unable to take them to the airport. Now that's how you know I'm sick if I don't take my folks to the airport. Going to the airport in Edmonton is always this big family ordeal - always has been. They don't send people to the airport in cabs or tell people to grab the bus or subway. It just doesn't happen and they would look at you totally weird if it did. HaHa. Mom and dad have always enjoyed coming the airport to pick me up because they would people watch and daydream about all the exotic places they wanted to visit one day. In reality they have been to busy raising there family of 4 to actually make it to any of those exotic places yet. Maybe this will be the year as they celebrate there 45th Anniversary this October. They truly are the poster children for a great marriage and my brothers and me always joke how they set the bar really high. I'm so blessed to have them as role models when it comes to love and when I start to lose my faith sometimes in that regard, I think of them and its renewed.

Here's a picture of my cute mom and dad - Here's to them for all of the sacrifices they have made over the years for us kids, for those around them and for each other. I love you guys!!

More blogs to come soon.......