Lids

(Hmm how about Blue!!!!) hehe

Its interesting when you have to 'retire' a wig. I didn't know there was such a thing or so much to learn about wigs and hair. Wowee!!! I'm starting to get used to the idea of having a couple different types of 'looks' but its still kind of weird. I did really luv my first wig though - the look of it! (Thanks Christina for that gift btw......hug!) I can still wear it a little bit but they get worn out pretty quickly. Who knew there was so much to know about this stuff. As mentioned in yesterdays post - they are itchy and hot and some days you just wanna run around naked (naked head that is just to clarify.) But alas I'm not that advanced yet to go out in public with the baldness.

So here I am trying to design my new hair doe..haha.... I think I'm going to go lighter again...blondy brown. Why not right? Its the one time I can have lighter hair without having to run to the hairdressers every 5 weeks to touch up my dark roots. No maintenance but all the fun of being blond. hehe

Anyways I'll figure it out after I'm finished chemo next week and hopefully start getting back on my feet. Then watch out b/c then you'll see my new 'lid'.....yipeee...

Hope everyone has a great weekend. I await my folks arrival tomorrow which I'm super excited to have my family around for the last round. I'll admit I've really been missing them this past month.

Cheers everyone,

Bgirl xx

Keep Breathing.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3nJNUhyUpw&NR=1

(Keep Breathing)

I've decided to write another blog as I was inspired tonight by a late night movie I watched on Bravo. The movie was 'Wit' and starred Emma Thompson. It's about a hard nosed professor who was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer and she reflects on her reactions to the cycle the cancer takes, the treatments, and significant events in her life. The movie touched me and although I typically write with alot of humour, I think it's important to touch on the seriousness and very personal side of what many of us are facing and going through.

When faced with our very mortality our entire existence can be rocked, our foundation moves beneath our feet and our very souls tremble as our lost faith is tested. We look for answers where sometimes they cannot be found. We ask the powers above to grant us time to make amends and fix past mistakes. We beg the secret gods to give us more time to live the life we've always wanted to live. Then we pray or meditate or look inward for the strength to move forward with grace as we fight for our survival.

At some point in our lives we are all touched by adversity. For some this is fighting a life threatening disease such as cancer. Others are plagued with loss of losing loved ones to such diseases. Many fight the emotional battle of psychological disorders and depression that lead some to suicide. Thousands of woman and children are desperate to escape the grips of domestic abuse. Millions of others around the world try in vain daily to flee violence, poverty, oppression & racism.

As we all forge forward fighting our own individual battles may we never lose sight of the simplicity of faith. Each of us carry our own definition of this and find it in our own way. Faith can simply mean we have hope that we can and will concur our own current battles. Truly concurring our battles means never dismissing the plight of others.

Remember to simply 'Keep Breathing' and know you are not alone. May positive energy continue to wrap its arms around those of you struggling to remember this. Live your best life right now.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=101166293258965#!/video/video.php?v=1018173493968&subj=1214047078(Video (Video by one of my favourite Alberta boys Jordan Jones - I hope you can see the link as he's an amazing up and coming artist. This song and his version always sends chills up my spine!!) ;-)

One Love,

B

Stepping Stones......

(Stepping stones in amazing pool at Le Meridian, Siem Reap - Cambodia)

I had a temporary brain freeze and just couldn't get my creative juices flowing this past week thus the break in my blogging. Never fear though here I am ready to try to deliver an entertaining and informative blog. (...hopefully...)

I've been feeling a bit better finally with more energy and my appetite is somewhat back thank goodness...just struggling with fatigue now. As you read last week I've had some interesting, not so healthy cravings which I allowed myself to indulge in. I recalled quickly though the reasons I tried to give up unhealthy eating habits recently...my stomach no likey!! So I've got back to my eating healthy plan somewhat this week and things are going better. I've really enjoyed actually wanting to eat salad and fresh veggies again even if this is only temporary...mmmmmmm oh how I missed my rabbit food. I won't get to used to it though as I have my last chemo round coming up this next Tuesday which will ultimately plumit me back into smoothies and macaroni if I'm lucky. Yup last one already, how time fly's. I'm not looking forward to my body going through another beating but I am very excited for the chemo to be finished. Following that I have a 3 week break to allow my body to somewhat recover from chemo before staring 2 weeks of radiation...phewwwww.

The past week proved kind of interesting on a few levels. I'm still getting used to my bald head and what to do or not do with it. I now have a list of phrases I never thought I'd here myself say and I might add I think kind of funny:

- I'm on my way - just have to put my hair on
- Can you let me know if my hair is falling off
- Wow that feels good (after removing hair) haha
- Um your coming over now - I don't have my hair on, give me five! (lol I'm laughing typing this)
- Do you have that cap in blond
- If you like this luscious hair wait til you see my other look muahahaha (said to guy trying to pick me up and didn't know..haha)

AND the one funniest to me....
- Wow I have nice ears (said to Wayner while shaving my head...honestly that's what I'm thinking while getting my head shaved)

I had to keep reminding myself this past Tuesday of the humorous side of what I'm going through while I was temporarily fretting over my MIA long locks. I had a few hour pity party for myself on Tuesday and was kind of bummed out. It was a mixture of things really but I managed to pull myself out of the gutter and get back on track by sundown. Sometimes your body and mind just say, 'okay time out buddy - we need a pity party' and bam there you are in the middle of a full fledged sap fest.

Yesterday I went wig shopping with my girl and that helped snap me out of it. It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot so the wig shopping actually became kind of funny. Every time we went into a shop I couldn't wait to try one on just so I could take mine off for a few seconds and cool of my hot, hot, hot bald head...lol!! Every time it was like pure heaven when that little wave of cool air hit the top of my head. Now I know how all my brothers and my dad feel....lol.....sorry guys but you had to know you were going to make it into my blog sooner or later. In fact that ones for my little brother Aaron (aka Bear) for making fun of me the other day and saying my 3 week old niece had more hair then me. I'd watch your back buddy or should I say head - I might just try to wax off what remaining hair you have next time I'm in town. (muahahahaha)

Let's see what else happened this week. Well I noticed that my pants weren't fitting - actually they were pretty much falling off my butt. Its funny how we perceive ourselves sometimes. I have lost about 20'ish pounds in the past few months from everything but didn't really notice, that can happen when you spend to much time in your oversized pj bottoms. Then the other day I was like hmmmm maybe my pants shouldn't be falling off my arse like this. I look like I should be in a BET video with low ridin' pants but not in a cool way, in a 'what not to wear' way. So I decided to dig into my closet and see if some of my 'other' pants fit. You ladies know what I'm talking about when I say 'other' pants. The ones that make an appearance every few years when we lose that extra ten or so pounds . Those poor pants get neglected because they only get to visit us on special occasions like tropical vacation time!!! WELL let me tell you something that made me do a little dance, my pants from 3 years ago FIT ME....yipeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! I guess there has to be some bonus to all this crap. To bad I had to lose my hair - to lose my a*s! HAHA (side note for those concerned about my weight loss - don't fret I still have reserves for the taking, so you don't have to worry about me wasting away.) ;-)

Okay everyone that's a little update for you for today. I'll try to write again tomorrow if I can come up with some more material. Once again thanks again to everyone for being sooo supportive! The phone calls, texts, emails, visits, donations and offers to help out have ALL been extremely appreciated and will be paid forward one step at a time.

QUOTE FOR TODAY: "An obstacle is often a stepping stone."

One love,

Bgirl xx

Hot Dogs

Kickin the visitors butt again!!!! I'm finally able to eat - yipee and who would have thunk it that I would end up eating a dodgy hot dog and it would taste so damn good. HAHA. I managed to get out of my house last night and take it easy at my fav lil spot Lolabar. It was a nice night to hang on the patio and just relax with good buddies. Wouldn't ya know it they bbq'd hot dogs and Miss B actually was super hunnngry and ate one. Now anyone who knows me .. knows I'm kind of against the entire yucky hot dog meat thing but hey when a craving strikes and you haven't eaten much in a week you down that dog likes there's no tomorrow. (LOL) The good thing is I don't usually eat hot dogs so I won't create some aversion to them from eating them during this time. My naturopath told me not to eat my favourite foods when I was nauseous b/c I'd associate them in the future with my time of kickin the aliens butts. Good advice and reminds me of good old classical conditioning that I learned in my psych class this year. I'm sure I can 'uncondition' myself after all of this though....hopefully......maybe!!!!

It was nice to get out last night and enjoy some good company, a bevvie and feel normal for one night!! Albeit still a little awkward seeing people or meeting new people that don't totally know what I'm going through. Soon I know this will all be a distant memory and I'll be back to my bubbly, energetic, 100% healthy self in no time. :-) AND when I am watch out peeps....cuz it will be celebration time at Lola ... hopefully in time for some 'Hot July Patio Action'!

I keep all the positive things in my site to get me through the tough days........I hope each of you has something within your grasp that keeps you going in times of darkness and days of cloudiness. Today The Tragically Hip is lending me a hand...

They always remind me of my dear friend Adam whom this world lost entirely to early almost ten years ago now. His amazingly gracious charm still affects me to this day and I think of him often. He taught me so much about how to love myself and appreciate the little things about life. His personality & smile were infectious. We spent one glorious summer having a summer crush on each other. Everything about him was so naive and innocent yet playful and fun. We spent hours emailing each other when I still lived in Calgary. When we were together every moment was spent discovering each other with childlike wonderment. Days spent throwing rocks in rivers in Banff or lying on old dirt roads taking 'unique dirt road shots' haha. He also absolutely loved 'The Hip'...and I'll never forget the awesome concert we got to go to together before he suddenly passed away. Thinking about you today and missing you.

This songs for you Adam.........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QE2joQsWXJg

First we'd climb a tree and maybe then we'd talk

Or sit silently and listen to our thoughts

With illusions of someday casting a golden light

No dress rehearsal, this is our life - The Tragically Hip

B-Girl xo

Forever Friends!!!

Forever Friends..........

There are certain things in life that we can sometimes take for granted, perhaps family and friendship tops this list at times. It's the things that surround us on a regular basis that we tend to ignore or think will always be there. We can become desensitized to if we allow ourselves and not truly appreciate all we have or are surrounded by. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by amazing people including family and friends and I've tried really hard not to take any of them for granted during my time of illness. I know that each and every one of us has our own battles we are fighting and that mine does not trump anyone else. That being said they all tell me to suck it up right now and chill out because I don't always have to be strong! (It's great advice but I'll always keep trucking as much as I can - I'm just stubborn that way.) ;-)

Speaking of great friends or forever friends....three of my closest were here visiting me this past week. They arrived last Wednesday for 5 days to help me through my second round of chemo. They truly are amazing ladies and having them here last week was awesome - especially because my mom couldn't be. They arrived prepared and ready to hunker down for 5 days of resting and catching up. The weekend was full of surprises like finding out my one gf is pregnant - now that was amazing news. They also brought me a juicer which I really needed and wanted to start using as soon as I can stomach food again. :-( The most heart warming part was the pictures they brought to show me that are below. A few weeks before they came out to TO they bought caps and make up and did a full on photo shoot of them in bald heads to show there support. Watching the video they shot while doing this was both touching and I must say hilarious. We all had a good giggle and tear as they told me all about it. These ladies have been my friends for years now and they changed there tickets to come to see me here in Toronto instead of our original trip to San Fran. I promise you girls next year we'll go somewhere warm and fun and make up for this year. Although I have to admit this is the first time in a great many years we had the chance to just sit around and visit, catch up and relax without feeling hung over, wrecked and nausea the next day. (haha) The nausea now belonged to Candy and me both for different reasons but none-the-less there.

Last week I managed to avoid the insane jaw/face pain the first round of chemo brought because the Vincristine was taken out. I have however had crazy nausea, been really tired and had some back pain. The back pain could be from the tumble I took down the stairs just prior to last weeks chemo though...booo I know!! I'm so klutzy AND my stairs are really slippery.

My hope this week is to get food into me. I did manage to get some food into me last week but the nausea has actually gotten worse this past few days and even smoothies and water have been hard work to get down.

Wishing everyone a good dinner tonight .. mmmmm to the days of having an appetite! Soon enough I'll be back on track and gorging on a big, yummy, delicious veggie dinner! Yup you heard me right .. VEGGIE .. I just want to have my appetite back for veggies.........*sigh*...

Have a good Monday everyone...

B-Girl xx

Round Two Down....

Whenever you see darkness, there is extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter. - Bono

A quick update (ok maybe not that quick..haha) tonight before my gf's from Alberta arrive tomorrow morning. I completed round two of chemo yesterday. Pheww!!! I was really nervous for some reason going into it. I had a hard time sleeping Sunday night but here I am one day post nitro-gasing my insides and guess what - I'm still here. ;-)


Chemo day is just kind of daunting no matter how prepared you are for it. You walk into that hospital and no matter how much you pysch yourself out - you kind of just wanna run the second you hit the door. But alas you don't. You know you have to do this no matter how much you don't want to, so onward you march. I had to do blood work again to see if my white blood counts had risen and to my surprise..yipee.. they had!!! Thank goodness no nasty injections for the next week and um thank you herbs for helping me out. :-)


I learned a big lesson though in this entire process and that is to really be in control of your treatment and health. I know of many people who blindly go into treatment not totally understanding there current illness and not informed on what there treatment should be or is. I knew some of this from others prior experiences and also from what I myself have learned this past six months. KEEP ON YOUR DOCTORS AND YOUR TREATMENT PROGRAM. Make sure you are getting exactly what you are supposed to for chemo drugs. Double check everything!!! The reason I stress this is because my doctor had ordered the drug Vincristine to be taken out of the rest of my chemo rounds due to the insane neuropathic pain in caused in my face and body during the first round. Low and behold wouldn't ya know it was still on the order for this week. If I hadn't of been a patient so involved in my treatment program I could have gotten this drug again. YIKEY SNIKEY is all I have to say to that BS. They obviously took the drug off and kind of rolled there eyes showing that there is a clear lack of communication. Once inside the room the confusion continued slightly as the nurses decided what amounts and at what rate the first drug would be administered. I was so dosey I wasn't paying attention but thank goodness Wayne (thanks for being my sidekick yesterday btw) was there and was paying attention and noticed that the drug was being administered at a faster rate then the one nurse had told the other. So they slowed it down. It goes to show how important it is to really pay close attention to what is being done to YOUR body. You have the right to know all the information very clearly before going into any type of treatment. You also have the right to stop any treatment at any time. This is your life and your body. Thank goodness the rest of the day went smoothly and to the nurses defence they were all very nice and extremely overworked.


Monday night was full of the same stuff as the first round and I ended up quite sick...I'll spare you all the details but needless to say sleep didn't play into the night very well. :-( Today was a little better with just a lot of nausea and sleepiness. I wish I could actually sleep but the Prednisone kind of messes with that. Booo to all the damn drugs they have me on. The light at the end of the tunnel is that I have one more round in 21 days and then a three week break until Radiation. Phewwww!!!


Everyone has been amazing at pitching in and helping out as usual. I really am so blessed to be surrounded by amazing people - family, friends and acquaintances.


Fingers crossed that maybe this round isn't so dodgy and I'm not out of commission for so long.


Some pictures from this week:






Stay strong everyone no matter what your battle is this week and know that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. :-)

B-girl xo

This and that.....

Fainting...biting the ground...passing out...out like a light - yup that was me today!! I went to the hospital for my pre-chemo check-up and blood work and right after he took my blood the lights started dimming. I thought I was okay and it actually barely hurt when he took my blood and then about 10 seconds after the room starting spinning, I got all clammy and I had like 5 people all around me talking to me in what sounded like a far off foreign language. All I remember is asking for OJ and then chugging it whilst laying in the chair half sprawled out. I hate passing out. Its the yuckiest feeling in the world. It just makes you feel nauseous and horrible for the rest of the day. Now I've been prone to passing out in the past but for the past six months I've been pretty good at not passing out or biting the floor. Not so today. Poor Rey - that is my guy that always takes my blood. It felt like I laid in the chair forever trying to get myself back together and finally I felt good enough to go over to the clinic to wait for my appnt with Dr. Gena.

I had to wait for almost an hour and half before seeing her and then she told me my blood counts were low - specifically my white. She still wants me to proceed with chemo on Monday but I have to have my blood tested again Monday to see if they have risen. If they have not then I have to start a drug 2 days post-chemo to help boost them so my immune system doesn't crash and burn more. This drug costs $1000 for 7 days ... that's right you heard me right a thousand buckarooonies. WHAT?!?! I'm pretty sure I'm 80% covered through work but still $200 for one drug for 7 days...wowee. As if they charge that much for medication very sick people need in order to get better. Insanity and kind of makes me sick to my stomach that they can get away with charging that and then turn around and not advocate natural, holistic methods of healing.

Oh well what can you do........

Round two of chemo is coming up this coming Monday and my 3 closest gf's from Edmonton fly in on Wednesday to take good care of me. Us girls (including our other girlie Robyn from Calgary) had planned a girls weekend away and kind of reunion to San Fran - we were supposed to be there today for the weekend. They had all booked flights and I was supposed to later on with points. In the meantime I was diagnosed with Lymphoma and our travel plans got busted. The girls (Brianne, Selina and Candace) all changed there flights and are coming here instead. Wow now that's some forever friends a girl always wants in her corner. They are of course going to take full advantage of being able to boss me around for 5 days. (I've been forewarned and for once I'll concede. lol) Our 5th girl in our West crew Robyn will also be coming to visit me sometime down the road. Right now she's unable to travel but we'll have her in our thoughts next week and drink some tea in her abscence. (I know I said tea...a far cry from our usual reunion parties filled with bevvies and then recovering the next day with pizza/movie marathons.) This is so much healthier ;-) .. so I tell myself.

My Alberta Girls....

(Selina, Brianne, Me and Candy at the Fundraiser organized last year in our friend Taia's memory. We raised $2000 for The Support Network in Edmonton. An organization that deals in Suicide Prevention and Awareness.)

(Brianne, Robyn, Selina and Myself at Robyn's Wedding)

I'll come up with something more entertaining for my next blog (like maybe how I have to hold my new lid down in the wind haha....oh the funny stories that come with my new look).

Bgirl xx

Am I More Then My Hair ....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CPCs7vVz6s&feature=fvsr

(Erykah Badu .. strong, beautiful sister that always rocks the best head pieces and hair.... luv her)

'Moment of honesty' is how I felt when it came to shaving my melon this week. Its taken me a few days to come to terms with my latest 'side effect' of chemo. Actually what I should say is that its taken me a few days to fully be open to sharing a picture of me with my new buzz cut.

In this past few days I've wrestled with the idea of not showing anyone except my close friends and then just dawning my various wigs. Then it hit me that if I don't accept this part of me now and boldly show off my new Demi Moore look - I will be going against everything I've ever believed in when it comes to beauty. Beauty is deep within us and only shines through in our outer layers. I've always believed this and yet as most woman I've myself struggled with this over the years. My own perception of myself is something I've had to work very hard at to get me to where I am today.

I'm glad I've taken the time to get to know myself, be comfortable with me and accept all my beauty and faults over the years. I do not beat myself up on a daily basis anymore about weight or bad hair days or stupid things that trust me make no difference at the end of our lives. I have learned to live a healthy lifestyle and make good choices (mostly ;-) when it comes to diet and exercise. I've accepted myself and taught myself to cherish all the things about me, that make me unique. This all comes in handy when you are forced to one day shave your head due to circumstances beyond your control.

Being a strong, independent, courageous woman helps us through many difficult stages in life as it did this week for me. Its funny that losing your hair during chemo would prove to be one of the more difficult parts for many. I'll be honest part of it is vanity but the much bigger aspect is that you are now reminded every time you look in the mirror you have cancer!! There is no getting away from that. Every time you look in the mirror you know that you have been sick and you are battling something. BUT you are almost reminded every time you look in that big, bad looking glass that you are strong, you are a survivor, you have amazing strength and you are beautiful with or without hair. For those who have been through this - pat yourself on the back or like I do - give yourself a big ol' high five. (or as my friends 'lil guy says high pibe..haha)!

Lastly I want to say I couldn't have gotten through Monday without one of my good friends being there to actually do the act of shaving my head for me. Thanks Wayner!! Its in times like these when we are surrounded by amazing people that we feel so blessed. We managed to even have a couple laughs through my tears as he shaved the old Bgirl away and made room for the new, improved, bad ass, tough B-GIRL. GRRRRRRRR .....

All that being said I'm still going to wear wigs haha.......cuz I just love my long locks to much and well this is my time to have fun with various styles and colours! Be prepared for Blonde Brandi to make an appearance at some point again. ;-)

To all the lovely ladies out there who have walked this path before me, thank you for your encouraging words. For those who may have to walk this path in the future - know many of us have done it before you and we are cheering you on. Remember you are strong, beautiful, amazing ladies and your hair does not, nor will it ever define you. Beauty will always shine through no matter what covers or doesn't cover your head. :-)

Feel free to share my blog with friends. I've become so aware of how others experiences can truly affect other peoples lives. I've learned so much through other friends experiences with cancer and also strangers blogs etc. Pass it on as you just never know who might be touched or encouraged by anothers story.

My first hot lid....

Bgirl xx

Decisions....

Sometimes we have to recognize our limitations!! This last two weeks really taught me a valuable lesson in this regard. Pre-chemo I thought I would still be able to take on the world (so to speak), keep working, maybe do some yoga, continue to eat healthy and just really kick the visitors butts out of b-town. Now this might all sound ridiculous and especially to anyone who's been through chemo but given what I was told by Dr. Gena I really believed it. I thought it would wear me out for a few days and then I could try to carry on business as usual. NOPE!!!

I guess the chemo nurses know a thing or two after all. One of mine told me that working might prove to be more difficult then I thought and that right now the most important thing was to take care of me and heal. (yeah, yeah I thought I will don't worry I'm tough.) HAHA ... guess what? Tough or not - CHEMO's tougher and when you push to hard, it pushes back harder. Basically your body says 'look punk take a chill pill and rest - stop trying so hard to be normal right now'.

That all being said I had to make some decisions this week about work. After talking to my boss and doctor it seems the best thing for Ms. B is to take a leave from work while i continue chemo/radiation and really take care of myself. I've decided to stop worrying about finances and trust that everything will work out. Being sick is stressful enough so no need to worry about all the other crazy stuff. That being said I am so blessed to have amazing support systems behind me including kick a8s friends, a hardcore family unit and great workmates. So for now I'll go on Sick EI benefits and take care of me.

The past few days have gotten a little better and the pain in my jaw/head/ears has finally subsided ... woohoooooo.... Now I just deal with the regular old run of the mill chemo side effects. I'd tell ya about them but who wants to here all the gorey details. I will tell you I'm dealing as best as I can and still keeping a positive, strong attitude. In this time off and resting I'm trying to come up with great things to do when I'm on my feet again. Ways to pay it forward - as I've been paid it right now from so many wonderful people.

Have a great weekend everyone....

B :-)