Music is something that has always soothed my soul and been able to either lift me into the clouds or dump me into the gutter. Its emotional, its passionate, it tells a story, it mends broken hearts, helps us get through tough times when we can't seem to pick ourselves up and walks us through trenches of love. It reminds us of times passed and is able to zzzzooom us right back to specific moments in our past when we least expect it. You can be driving along and some stupid old song comes on and BAM you are right back on that beach in Thailand or remembering a crazy kiss you had years ago. Bob Marley said it best and thus the basis of my blog today and my picture. I took that picture in Vietnam in a sleepy, pretty town called Hoi An. It's in the middle of Vietnam, close to the ocean and was by far my favourite time in Nam. We ended up in that beach bar on our last night in Hoi An and I loved that picture on the wall. Whenever I'm having a bad day or a moment where I'm feeling bummed out and down, I blast whatever music makes me feel better or whatever lets me wallow in my own sadness or pity for a few minutes.
No matter how rockin strong of a peep you are, you are still human and it's something one should never forget. Feeling real, deep, gutted, beautiful, hard feelings is what makes our species unique and what makes us ... US. Sometimes we need to just let it all out and have our Dane Cook moment.(lol) Grab onto the back of that couch and just have a weepathon. I can't do it as much justice as he does in this clip although by clicking beware of .. 'shhhhh bad werds' oops!! (http://www.vidly.net/video-comedian-dane-cook-explaining-crying.html)
I had a couple of moments today at work where I teared up talking to my gf's in the kitchen which up until now I really haven't done much of. It really just made me emotional all of a sudden that I may have to start chemotherapy and soon. I instantly became a little girl as my lower lip hung out, my eyes filled with tears and I said to my friend Kristy, 'I don't wanna do this anymore and I haven't even started treatment yet'! All these things flashed through my head about the next few months and how I'd go from feeling fantastic right now to potentially feeling pretty rough. I thought about the big possibility of losing my hair and I suppose my vanity set in temporarily. I felt alone as I thought about the fact I live solo and my immediate family is all in Alberta. For a few hours today I questioned my strength and if I could get through this difficult time in my life. I tell all of you this because I think it's important for people to know that we all have fears and sadness at times no matter how resilient and strong we are. Then I snapped out of it. Something always pulls me back from the dark and into the light. (alot of times its some song on the radio or a fav I pull up on youtube)I'm not really sure what it was today but maybe my Alicia Keys marathon! Sometimes its rather subtle and other times its so blatantly in my face yelling at me to step back and look at all I do have and to stop worrying or being sad about what I'm lacking.
Today was a subtle moment that lured me back into the positive vibe and energy corner. Last week at Sunnybrook I had a more blatant, in your face moment that snapped me back to reality. I had walked past the wig shop and for some reason it really hit me what was happening to me (you think the Bone Marrow Biopsy would have done that.. but noooo it was the wig shop - typical girl!!) As I sat there chatting with my friend Wayner I mentioned to him that it really bothered me walking past the wigs. Just as I was saying that a door opened behind him and over his shoulder I could see this young boy maybe around 10 who was severely disfigured. You could tell his entire face had been burned off almost. I instantly stopped feeling sorry for myself and snapped outta la la land. Sometimes we worry about all the wrong things. :-(
I do indeed have a rough road ahead of me depending on my chemo treatment but I'm blessed to be surrounded by amazing people who have offered there support, love and encouragement in ways that have overwhelmed me to tears. I could not be as strong without being surrounded by my army of love and goodness. This post is to all of you have shown your strength so well in this uncertain time by staying strong for me even when I know its hard for you. My parents being the biggest. They are pillers of strength even though I know they are so worried about me. My closest friends who have offered to fly all the way from far off places like Vancouver, Edmonton and Calgary to be with me (and some of them have actually already booked flights.) AND all my Toronto peeps who are constantly in touch with me, visiting me, coming with me to doctors appointments, cooking for me and all that jazz when they know maybe I need just need a little nudge or a hug or kiss on the forehead. A big huge thanks with lots of hugs and kisses to all of you.
For those of you who are having a bad day, week, month, year or maybe just plain and simple a bad life - try to keep all things in perspective. When that doesn't work remember Bob's words "One good thing about music - when it hits, you feel no pain." .. .and then blast your fav tune and do a little dance. ;-) It works for me.
Here's my song for today: I luv this video and came across it in my last psych class....Kate Nash, Foundation. (catchy tune, witty and makes me laugh)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryH5cga0yUI
One love,
B
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