The wheels keep on turning......

The Wheels Keep on Turning!!!!

I decided it was time to get back to this blogging thing! It has been 4 months since I finished chemo and almost 3 since Radiation. Its funny how fast time slips through our fingers. I remember talking with a few people who had been through treatment before I started and they said before I knew it all of this would be a distant memory. At the time, it all felt so overwhelming and daunting like it was going to take over the rest of my life - forever! Very dramatic I know but it truly is how you feel at the time. Now here I sit at my desk (yes grumble, grumble my desk - oh and shhhhh I'm at work)!! I sit here and wonder what's next?

My thoughts are random and all over the place most days and probably why I haven't been able to focus much on blogging or keeping up with it. Whether we like it or not life goes back to normal after a hardcore life event. Its inevitable that we have to return to the normal, everyday routine. This is typically a thing we welcome after going through something like the bit 'C'!! You can't wait to get back to normal life, you want to work again, play with friends, hit the gym - get your pre big 'C' body back, start dating again & volunteering. You have this new outlook on life and you want to venture out into the big, bad world and use it for the greater good of mankind. You want to be back to your old self. The reality is - you'll never be the same 'old self' again. It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside or what people think they see or perceive. In the deep parts of your new survivor self - you are different. Yes you are a survivor. Yes you are tough. Yes you are resilient. But you are also a little bit wounded, its like coming out of a battle where the outward scars might not be evident but the emotional scarring is still buried within. Now I don't say any of this to be negative - I say it to be real. What are we in life if we don't show all sides of what we go through as humans. I've had a quite a few people come to me lately asking about what I went through because they have a friend now going through it. It made me realize that there is still insite I can give from a post-treatment perspective that may help some going through this. Not only those who are actually battling CanSer but also those who surround us. This blog is dedicated to all those battling against the evil alien invaders, those who have conquered and those who surround us with your Superior support troops. :-)

You all rock - don't forget it.

Going forward I'm going to make a huge effort to blog about health awareness!!! This will not be limited to the big, bad 'C'! I believe that being educated and knowledgeable about our health is the biggest gift we can give ourselves. Whether this is taking care of our physical bodies or nurturing our spiritual and/or emotional side - the best being a combination of all the above mentioned. We all have an enourmous amount to give ourselves!! Let's giv'er peeps because no matter what, "The Wheels Keep on Turning!" ;-)

.......don't forget what you learned ;-)

Well its been awhile since I've written in my blog! :-( .. I know, I know - I'm bad!!!! I just needed to take a break from blogging about my cancer train trip everyday. I think it's just as important to allow your emotions to take a break from constantly thinking about and dealing with it. As much as it can be healing to talk about it and discuss and share all the ins/outs of what's going on, it can also be incredibly draining. SOOOOO it was time to just *peace out* and take a break. Fast forward a month and here I am getting back into the swing of things, finally!!

The past year was sure a huge life lesson for me. I've had a lot of people ask me if it changed me, or how do I view things now or what will I change going forward?? I find it interesting because in many ways I won't change a thing and on the other hand I have to say how could what I just went through not change me. I was faced with my own mortality, its that simple - that changes a persons perspective. Life doesn't seem so complicated after that. You realize its human nature that makes things seem so much more difficult then they really need to be. Life is life, people are people and the decisions/choices we make always have consequences - whether those are positive or negative. What I learned then is this; life is precious and beautiful and the most important things that I can acquire in my lifetime have no bearing on my career, being successful or material worth. The most powerful influences I'll ever have can also be the smallest, like hearing my 2 year old niece giggling on the phone.

That being said I've spent the last month since finishing up treatment just trying to get back on my feet and not forgetting the valuable lessons I've learned. I'm slowly returning to my pre-alien invasion status. ;-) .... I'm getting out with friends more now and my energy levels are slowly returning to normal as well. I started working out a couple times a week and my taste buds are almost back to normal - YIPEEEEEE!!!!!!! I'm going to continue blogging here and there. I think I still have a thing or two to say haha.......and hopefully it will benefit someone out there who has gone through what I have, who might just be finding out or the family and friends who surround those struggling. Don't give up!! Carpe Diem - Seize the Day.

I'm happy and I'm healthy!!!!!! (you'll here from me real soon again) .... stay tuned!!!!

B-Girl xx

....long weekend.....

Its hard to believe we are in July already and six months into 2010. I only have 3 more radiation treatments left this week and I'm done. Thank goodness for that as the radiation has already caused its dumb side effects. My mouth feels like a cotton ball and my throat is soar. On top of that I have managed to get a cold (I think) or at least I'm super stuffed up and feel like I have a nasty head cold. It's kind of hard to tell if I'm just having side effects from my radiation treatments or I'm getting the flu/cold. ieieie Sooo just as my chemo side effects kind of started to subside I have a new set of problems revolving around my mouth and throat...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! Bye bye taste buds and hello dry, soar mouth. Boooooooooo

I've been mostly taking it easy this long weekend as I've been feeling pretty crapola but managed to get out a bit and enjoy the weather and some good company. Today I was able to walk down to a friends bbq and then over to another friends little get together which was nice to see everyone and get out of the house for a few hours. (totally exhausted now....yawn) Yesterday I got out for a couple of hours to trying in vain to see the 'tall ships' and then just ended up having lunch in Distillery District before crashing at home for the night.

Here I am Sunday night and heading off to bed - tomorrow is session #8 of radiation .. meaning only 3 more to go ending this Wednesday - finally.....smile!!!!

Hope everyone had a awesome long weekend......

B

The Man in the Iron Mask (or woman) ;-)

I finished my second radiation treatment today! (8 more to go) Everyone has been asking me exactly what is involved so I googled some images to give you a better idea. Radiation is very different for the different types of cancer. Mine involved having the special face mask made for me which you can see a sample attached below. You can tell how closely it is strapped down to your face and upper body - so much so it left the marks on my face today. (the type of marks you get when you put your head down on your arm on your desk at work on a sleep winter afternoon and wake up 5 minutes later with lines on your head...haha but also YIKES.)

Basically you go in and they strap you down to the table and then disappear leaving you with some top 40 music as the radiation machine does it job. This takes about 10 minutes. Today at one point the music went out and I lay there in complete silence wondering what was going on. This brought on some anxiousness as my mind started to wonder and I of course started envisioning all kinds of kaos. I've always had a create, active imagination - great when you need to be creative ... BAD BAD BAD when you lie there strapped in with no way of getting out. You start to think of things like .. oh I don't know THE EARTHQUAKE AND TORNADO yesterday. You think ummm I wonder what would happened if there was an earthquake and I couldn't get unstrapped from that crazy radiation contraption. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....(yelling through the mask doesn't do much good b/c you can't even hardly move your mouth.... so its more like ahhhhh....lol.) So there I am lying there getting super anxious when the radiation technologist (such a fancy name for someone basically frying my neck) comes back in. Phewwwww. I ask her very nicely through my 'man in the iron mask' to please turn that bad top 40 back up so my mind stops thinking about potential natural disasters and what it must of been like for the man in the iron mask. lol

Today went much quicker then yesterday thank goodness.....2 down and 8 to go!!! I'm almost there folks.

B xx

Bucket List

(Ankor Wat - Siem Riep, Cambodia)

Bucket List 2010

• Take one course or semester abroad
• Obtain my Masters in Psychology
• Run 5K for cancer
• Continue volunteering with women and children's services
• Learn how to tango in Buenos Aries
• Open my own holistic counselling practice one day
• Take a photography course (or two)

• Spend more time with my family and adorable nieces
• Dance on the beach and watch the sun come up many, many more times in my long life
• Travel to Portugal next summer with Susie :-) .... and then continue on to Greece, Italy, UK and Spain *sigh*
• Expand my culinary palate and take some cooking classes
• Spend more time enjoying life and less time trying to figure how to enjoy it (haha)
• Find something everyday to be thankful and blessed for
• Return to Cambodia and visit kids in rural villages
• Find love again where ever that might be (and be open to it when it arrives and not scared) ;-)
• Enjoy the small simple things and let go of the negative things and energy that bog me down
• Climb Machu Picchu in Peru
• Get over my fear of being under water and spend more time in the ocean snorkeling (Belize, Australia Coral Reaf)
• Expand my involvement in humanitarian issues
• Drink wine, eat pasta and float down the rivers in Venice, Italy (hopefully with a handsome guy next to me)
• Learn a second or third language (probably French and Spanish)
• Go on a vacation with my folks (Hawaii maybe)
• Visit my dear friend Genevieve in Australia - this ones long, long overdue
• Take more risks, take a leap of faith, jump in blindfolded and just let go of all the things that do not add to my life

That's my list for now....I see lots of it involves travel which seems to be my passion. Seeing the world and all the differences and beauty in it expands my depth as a person. I can't wait to keep exploring and discovering it.

Here are a few pictures from my travels!!

(Street full of lanterns in Hanoi, Vietnam)

(Full Moon Sign on Kho Phangan, Thailand)

(Beautiful view on beach on Caye Caulker, Belize)

(Very cool bridge linking two sides of small town Hoi An, Vietnam)

(Market in Sihoukville, Cambodia - Beach town)

Caution - Radiation Area

June 22, 2010

Radiation starts tomorrow! Now they tell me that this will be a walk in the park compared to Chemotherapy so I'm hoping they are right. I only have to do ten sessions which is quite a bit less then expected. The dose is a lot lower then normal as well so this should mean that I have fewer side effects. My radiologist however kindly pointed out that so far I haven't been the poster child for side effects and so I should expect to be hit harder then usual. (most excellent .... grrrrrrrr) As my radiation is going to be on the my tonsil and one lymph node I should expect a soar throat and fatigue.

I went in last week for my 'radiation planning session' .. yes that is what they call it like its something exciting you just can't wait to plan for. I really wasn't sure what to expect as usual. I had my compadre Jeff with me though so that was some good back up. They take you in a room and basically you lie in a bed that goes through a machine that is like a CT Scan without hooking any IV or anything up to you. (thank goodness b/c needles and IVs and blood tests are really get old) I think I had the Motley Crew working on me that day b/c they didn't seem to quite know what they were doing which of course did not instill much confidence in me. They make a face mask especially fit to your face. Doesn't sound to bad now does it and actually how nice of them to make a face mask just for me. Hmmmmm I take it back...it sucked. They take out this rubbery material from hot water and mold it around your face (it is full of holes so you can still breath but barely) They pull it down around your face and then strap it to the table. Woweeeee. Now the day they did this I was still dealing with bad nausea from my last round of chemo and all I could smell was hot, yucky rubber. YACK!!!!!!! On top of that I am slightly claustrophobic and had to constantly talk myself through the fact I was breathing through small holes and had to keep my eyes closed. MMMM hmmmmmm daadddadadada what to think about, what to think about so I don't panic. Okay I'll admit it I thought about everything from my various travels to my ex boyfriends rippling muscles. (haha) Now he'll probably read this and get an inflated ego but its the truth the weirdest things pop into your head in those type of circumstances and I say whatever gets you through - go with it!!! Thank goodness for nice ripply tattooed boys. So I start that tomorrow and it will last for ten sessions so approximately two weeks and then I'm DONE....YIPEE!!!!!! Following that I have to redoe all my scans and make sure I'm all clear and then its just check-ups for the next five years and fingers crossed to relapses.

I've managed to get out a little bit the past couple of weeks but tire out pretty quickly. I think the fatigue will probably follow me for some time to come but I have started back on my holistic course and that will help me get back to normal faster. I also managed to have a massage last week which I have to say was 'fantabulous'.

July 17 we are having a celebration party for being done all the chemo and radiation....yipee!!! A nice chill fun night at Lola with all my favourite people that have surrounded me with there support, love and good vibes this past 8 months. More details to come on that soon.

Wish me luck tomorrow.........and I'll write again soon.

B

Bye Bye Chemo!!!!

First of all - CHEERS TO BEING DONE CHEMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPEEE~

That all being said I've been having total writers block this past two weeks. I'm not totally sure why but I think maybe I have a true case of 'chemo brain' that's set in and I can't shake it. GRRR. I start to write a blog and then go blank even though I know there is lots I could have written about this past few weeks. Hmmmmm doh!!!

I guess the biggest news is I finished chemo. My folks flew out to spend ten days with me and went with me for the last treatment and then took care of me for the next week. It was so great to have them around and made me truly appreciate having them right there by my side. I'd really been missing having my immediate family around while I was going through all of this. Everyone has been totally amazing but nothing can really replace your folks or brothers, nieces etc. I've been strong and positive through out this experience but I've had moments of feeling alone and down without my family....that is why it was soo great to have mom and dad here. The night of chemo I was extremely sick - more then the first two times and found my way to the good ol' loo quite a few times to visit the porcelain gods. :-( The next ten days were pretty rough with awful nausea, lack of appetite, bad metallic taste in mouth, shakes etc. I slowly immersed from the dark clouds and have been slowly getting back to normal. Now I'm just really tired and spent the past three days mostly resting.

While the folks were here we had our daily routine - they got up early and made there way to various coffee spots for there morning java and breakfast. I slept! They would come back around noon and I'd slowly get myself together and we'd try to get out of the house for a few hours. I knew they would need a project while there were here (other then taking care of me) so I saved my yucky patio for when they came. They loved it. We managed to visit some nurseries and greenhouses to get some patio flowers and plants. I usually only last a couple of hours and had to return home to rest. The bonus is that my patio looks very cute now and very cozy for me to be able to spend sometime out there reading and recouping this next month.

Mom and dad left last Monday - so a week ago today. Unfortunately that day was one of the sickest I've had and was unable to take them to the airport. Now that's how you know I'm sick if I don't take my folks to the airport. Going to the airport in Edmonton is always this big family ordeal - always has been. They don't send people to the airport in cabs or tell people to grab the bus or subway. It just doesn't happen and they would look at you totally weird if it did. HaHa. Mom and dad have always enjoyed coming the airport to pick me up because they would people watch and daydream about all the exotic places they wanted to visit one day. In reality they have been to busy raising there family of 4 to actually make it to any of those exotic places yet. Maybe this will be the year as they celebrate there 45th Anniversary this October. They truly are the poster children for a great marriage and my brothers and me always joke how they set the bar really high. I'm so blessed to have them as role models when it comes to love and when I start to lose my faith sometimes in that regard, I think of them and its renewed.

Here's a picture of my cute mom and dad - Here's to them for all of the sacrifices they have made over the years for us kids, for those around them and for each other. I love you guys!!

More blogs to come soon.......

Lids

(Hmm how about Blue!!!!) hehe

Its interesting when you have to 'retire' a wig. I didn't know there was such a thing or so much to learn about wigs and hair. Wowee!!! I'm starting to get used to the idea of having a couple different types of 'looks' but its still kind of weird. I did really luv my first wig though - the look of it! (Thanks Christina for that gift btw......hug!) I can still wear it a little bit but they get worn out pretty quickly. Who knew there was so much to know about this stuff. As mentioned in yesterdays post - they are itchy and hot and some days you just wanna run around naked (naked head that is just to clarify.) But alas I'm not that advanced yet to go out in public with the baldness.

So here I am trying to design my new hair doe..haha.... I think I'm going to go lighter again...blondy brown. Why not right? Its the one time I can have lighter hair without having to run to the hairdressers every 5 weeks to touch up my dark roots. No maintenance but all the fun of being blond. hehe

Anyways I'll figure it out after I'm finished chemo next week and hopefully start getting back on my feet. Then watch out b/c then you'll see my new 'lid'.....yipeee...

Hope everyone has a great weekend. I await my folks arrival tomorrow which I'm super excited to have my family around for the last round. I'll admit I've really been missing them this past month.

Cheers everyone,

Bgirl xx

Keep Breathing.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3nJNUhyUpw&NR=1

(Keep Breathing)

I've decided to write another blog as I was inspired tonight by a late night movie I watched on Bravo. The movie was 'Wit' and starred Emma Thompson. It's about a hard nosed professor who was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer and she reflects on her reactions to the cycle the cancer takes, the treatments, and significant events in her life. The movie touched me and although I typically write with alot of humour, I think it's important to touch on the seriousness and very personal side of what many of us are facing and going through.

When faced with our very mortality our entire existence can be rocked, our foundation moves beneath our feet and our very souls tremble as our lost faith is tested. We look for answers where sometimes they cannot be found. We ask the powers above to grant us time to make amends and fix past mistakes. We beg the secret gods to give us more time to live the life we've always wanted to live. Then we pray or meditate or look inward for the strength to move forward with grace as we fight for our survival.

At some point in our lives we are all touched by adversity. For some this is fighting a life threatening disease such as cancer. Others are plagued with loss of losing loved ones to such diseases. Many fight the emotional battle of psychological disorders and depression that lead some to suicide. Thousands of woman and children are desperate to escape the grips of domestic abuse. Millions of others around the world try in vain daily to flee violence, poverty, oppression & racism.

As we all forge forward fighting our own individual battles may we never lose sight of the simplicity of faith. Each of us carry our own definition of this and find it in our own way. Faith can simply mean we have hope that we can and will concur our own current battles. Truly concurring our battles means never dismissing the plight of others.

Remember to simply 'Keep Breathing' and know you are not alone. May positive energy continue to wrap its arms around those of you struggling to remember this. Live your best life right now.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=101166293258965#!/video/video.php?v=1018173493968&subj=1214047078(Video (Video by one of my favourite Alberta boys Jordan Jones - I hope you can see the link as he's an amazing up and coming artist. This song and his version always sends chills up my spine!!) ;-)

One Love,

B

Stepping Stones......

(Stepping stones in amazing pool at Le Meridian, Siem Reap - Cambodia)

I had a temporary brain freeze and just couldn't get my creative juices flowing this past week thus the break in my blogging. Never fear though here I am ready to try to deliver an entertaining and informative blog. (...hopefully...)

I've been feeling a bit better finally with more energy and my appetite is somewhat back thank goodness...just struggling with fatigue now. As you read last week I've had some interesting, not so healthy cravings which I allowed myself to indulge in. I recalled quickly though the reasons I tried to give up unhealthy eating habits recently...my stomach no likey!! So I've got back to my eating healthy plan somewhat this week and things are going better. I've really enjoyed actually wanting to eat salad and fresh veggies again even if this is only temporary...mmmmmmm oh how I missed my rabbit food. I won't get to used to it though as I have my last chemo round coming up this next Tuesday which will ultimately plumit me back into smoothies and macaroni if I'm lucky. Yup last one already, how time fly's. I'm not looking forward to my body going through another beating but I am very excited for the chemo to be finished. Following that I have a 3 week break to allow my body to somewhat recover from chemo before staring 2 weeks of radiation...phewwwww.

The past week proved kind of interesting on a few levels. I'm still getting used to my bald head and what to do or not do with it. I now have a list of phrases I never thought I'd here myself say and I might add I think kind of funny:

- I'm on my way - just have to put my hair on
- Can you let me know if my hair is falling off
- Wow that feels good (after removing hair) haha
- Um your coming over now - I don't have my hair on, give me five! (lol I'm laughing typing this)
- Do you have that cap in blond
- If you like this luscious hair wait til you see my other look muahahaha (said to guy trying to pick me up and didn't know..haha)

AND the one funniest to me....
- Wow I have nice ears (said to Wayner while shaving my head...honestly that's what I'm thinking while getting my head shaved)

I had to keep reminding myself this past Tuesday of the humorous side of what I'm going through while I was temporarily fretting over my MIA long locks. I had a few hour pity party for myself on Tuesday and was kind of bummed out. It was a mixture of things really but I managed to pull myself out of the gutter and get back on track by sundown. Sometimes your body and mind just say, 'okay time out buddy - we need a pity party' and bam there you are in the middle of a full fledged sap fest.

Yesterday I went wig shopping with my girl and that helped snap me out of it. It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot so the wig shopping actually became kind of funny. Every time we went into a shop I couldn't wait to try one on just so I could take mine off for a few seconds and cool of my hot, hot, hot bald head...lol!! Every time it was like pure heaven when that little wave of cool air hit the top of my head. Now I know how all my brothers and my dad feel....lol.....sorry guys but you had to know you were going to make it into my blog sooner or later. In fact that ones for my little brother Aaron (aka Bear) for making fun of me the other day and saying my 3 week old niece had more hair then me. I'd watch your back buddy or should I say head - I might just try to wax off what remaining hair you have next time I'm in town. (muahahahaha)

Let's see what else happened this week. Well I noticed that my pants weren't fitting - actually they were pretty much falling off my butt. Its funny how we perceive ourselves sometimes. I have lost about 20'ish pounds in the past few months from everything but didn't really notice, that can happen when you spend to much time in your oversized pj bottoms. Then the other day I was like hmmmm maybe my pants shouldn't be falling off my arse like this. I look like I should be in a BET video with low ridin' pants but not in a cool way, in a 'what not to wear' way. So I decided to dig into my closet and see if some of my 'other' pants fit. You ladies know what I'm talking about when I say 'other' pants. The ones that make an appearance every few years when we lose that extra ten or so pounds . Those poor pants get neglected because they only get to visit us on special occasions like tropical vacation time!!! WELL let me tell you something that made me do a little dance, my pants from 3 years ago FIT ME....yipeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! I guess there has to be some bonus to all this crap. To bad I had to lose my hair - to lose my a*s! HAHA (side note for those concerned about my weight loss - don't fret I still have reserves for the taking, so you don't have to worry about me wasting away.) ;-)

Okay everyone that's a little update for you for today. I'll try to write again tomorrow if I can come up with some more material. Once again thanks again to everyone for being sooo supportive! The phone calls, texts, emails, visits, donations and offers to help out have ALL been extremely appreciated and will be paid forward one step at a time.

QUOTE FOR TODAY: "An obstacle is often a stepping stone."

One love,

Bgirl xx

Hot Dogs

Kickin the visitors butt again!!!! I'm finally able to eat - yipee and who would have thunk it that I would end up eating a dodgy hot dog and it would taste so damn good. HAHA. I managed to get out of my house last night and take it easy at my fav lil spot Lolabar. It was a nice night to hang on the patio and just relax with good buddies. Wouldn't ya know it they bbq'd hot dogs and Miss B actually was super hunnngry and ate one. Now anyone who knows me .. knows I'm kind of against the entire yucky hot dog meat thing but hey when a craving strikes and you haven't eaten much in a week you down that dog likes there's no tomorrow. (LOL) The good thing is I don't usually eat hot dogs so I won't create some aversion to them from eating them during this time. My naturopath told me not to eat my favourite foods when I was nauseous b/c I'd associate them in the future with my time of kickin the aliens butts. Good advice and reminds me of good old classical conditioning that I learned in my psych class this year. I'm sure I can 'uncondition' myself after all of this though....hopefully......maybe!!!!

It was nice to get out last night and enjoy some good company, a bevvie and feel normal for one night!! Albeit still a little awkward seeing people or meeting new people that don't totally know what I'm going through. Soon I know this will all be a distant memory and I'll be back to my bubbly, energetic, 100% healthy self in no time. :-) AND when I am watch out peeps....cuz it will be celebration time at Lola ... hopefully in time for some 'Hot July Patio Action'!

I keep all the positive things in my site to get me through the tough days........I hope each of you has something within your grasp that keeps you going in times of darkness and days of cloudiness. Today The Tragically Hip is lending me a hand...

They always remind me of my dear friend Adam whom this world lost entirely to early almost ten years ago now. His amazingly gracious charm still affects me to this day and I think of him often. He taught me so much about how to love myself and appreciate the little things about life. His personality & smile were infectious. We spent one glorious summer having a summer crush on each other. Everything about him was so naive and innocent yet playful and fun. We spent hours emailing each other when I still lived in Calgary. When we were together every moment was spent discovering each other with childlike wonderment. Days spent throwing rocks in rivers in Banff or lying on old dirt roads taking 'unique dirt road shots' haha. He also absolutely loved 'The Hip'...and I'll never forget the awesome concert we got to go to together before he suddenly passed away. Thinking about you today and missing you.

This songs for you Adam.........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QE2joQsWXJg

First we'd climb a tree and maybe then we'd talk

Or sit silently and listen to our thoughts

With illusions of someday casting a golden light

No dress rehearsal, this is our life - The Tragically Hip

B-Girl xo

Forever Friends!!!

Forever Friends..........

There are certain things in life that we can sometimes take for granted, perhaps family and friendship tops this list at times. It's the things that surround us on a regular basis that we tend to ignore or think will always be there. We can become desensitized to if we allow ourselves and not truly appreciate all we have or are surrounded by. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by amazing people including family and friends and I've tried really hard not to take any of them for granted during my time of illness. I know that each and every one of us has our own battles we are fighting and that mine does not trump anyone else. That being said they all tell me to suck it up right now and chill out because I don't always have to be strong! (It's great advice but I'll always keep trucking as much as I can - I'm just stubborn that way.) ;-)

Speaking of great friends or forever friends....three of my closest were here visiting me this past week. They arrived last Wednesday for 5 days to help me through my second round of chemo. They truly are amazing ladies and having them here last week was awesome - especially because my mom couldn't be. They arrived prepared and ready to hunker down for 5 days of resting and catching up. The weekend was full of surprises like finding out my one gf is pregnant - now that was amazing news. They also brought me a juicer which I really needed and wanted to start using as soon as I can stomach food again. :-( The most heart warming part was the pictures they brought to show me that are below. A few weeks before they came out to TO they bought caps and make up and did a full on photo shoot of them in bald heads to show there support. Watching the video they shot while doing this was both touching and I must say hilarious. We all had a good giggle and tear as they told me all about it. These ladies have been my friends for years now and they changed there tickets to come to see me here in Toronto instead of our original trip to San Fran. I promise you girls next year we'll go somewhere warm and fun and make up for this year. Although I have to admit this is the first time in a great many years we had the chance to just sit around and visit, catch up and relax without feeling hung over, wrecked and nausea the next day. (haha) The nausea now belonged to Candy and me both for different reasons but none-the-less there.

Last week I managed to avoid the insane jaw/face pain the first round of chemo brought because the Vincristine was taken out. I have however had crazy nausea, been really tired and had some back pain. The back pain could be from the tumble I took down the stairs just prior to last weeks chemo though...booo I know!! I'm so klutzy AND my stairs are really slippery.

My hope this week is to get food into me. I did manage to get some food into me last week but the nausea has actually gotten worse this past few days and even smoothies and water have been hard work to get down.

Wishing everyone a good dinner tonight .. mmmmm to the days of having an appetite! Soon enough I'll be back on track and gorging on a big, yummy, delicious veggie dinner! Yup you heard me right .. VEGGIE .. I just want to have my appetite back for veggies.........*sigh*...

Have a good Monday everyone...

B-Girl xx

Round Two Down....

Whenever you see darkness, there is extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter. - Bono

A quick update (ok maybe not that quick..haha) tonight before my gf's from Alberta arrive tomorrow morning. I completed round two of chemo yesterday. Pheww!!! I was really nervous for some reason going into it. I had a hard time sleeping Sunday night but here I am one day post nitro-gasing my insides and guess what - I'm still here. ;-)


Chemo day is just kind of daunting no matter how prepared you are for it. You walk into that hospital and no matter how much you pysch yourself out - you kind of just wanna run the second you hit the door. But alas you don't. You know you have to do this no matter how much you don't want to, so onward you march. I had to do blood work again to see if my white blood counts had risen and to my surprise..yipee.. they had!!! Thank goodness no nasty injections for the next week and um thank you herbs for helping me out. :-)


I learned a big lesson though in this entire process and that is to really be in control of your treatment and health. I know of many people who blindly go into treatment not totally understanding there current illness and not informed on what there treatment should be or is. I knew some of this from others prior experiences and also from what I myself have learned this past six months. KEEP ON YOUR DOCTORS AND YOUR TREATMENT PROGRAM. Make sure you are getting exactly what you are supposed to for chemo drugs. Double check everything!!! The reason I stress this is because my doctor had ordered the drug Vincristine to be taken out of the rest of my chemo rounds due to the insane neuropathic pain in caused in my face and body during the first round. Low and behold wouldn't ya know it was still on the order for this week. If I hadn't of been a patient so involved in my treatment program I could have gotten this drug again. YIKEY SNIKEY is all I have to say to that BS. They obviously took the drug off and kind of rolled there eyes showing that there is a clear lack of communication. Once inside the room the confusion continued slightly as the nurses decided what amounts and at what rate the first drug would be administered. I was so dosey I wasn't paying attention but thank goodness Wayne (thanks for being my sidekick yesterday btw) was there and was paying attention and noticed that the drug was being administered at a faster rate then the one nurse had told the other. So they slowed it down. It goes to show how important it is to really pay close attention to what is being done to YOUR body. You have the right to know all the information very clearly before going into any type of treatment. You also have the right to stop any treatment at any time. This is your life and your body. Thank goodness the rest of the day went smoothly and to the nurses defence they were all very nice and extremely overworked.


Monday night was full of the same stuff as the first round and I ended up quite sick...I'll spare you all the details but needless to say sleep didn't play into the night very well. :-( Today was a little better with just a lot of nausea and sleepiness. I wish I could actually sleep but the Prednisone kind of messes with that. Booo to all the damn drugs they have me on. The light at the end of the tunnel is that I have one more round in 21 days and then a three week break until Radiation. Phewwww!!!


Everyone has been amazing at pitching in and helping out as usual. I really am so blessed to be surrounded by amazing people - family, friends and acquaintances.


Fingers crossed that maybe this round isn't so dodgy and I'm not out of commission for so long.


Some pictures from this week:






Stay strong everyone no matter what your battle is this week and know that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. :-)

B-girl xo

This and that.....

Fainting...biting the ground...passing out...out like a light - yup that was me today!! I went to the hospital for my pre-chemo check-up and blood work and right after he took my blood the lights started dimming. I thought I was okay and it actually barely hurt when he took my blood and then about 10 seconds after the room starting spinning, I got all clammy and I had like 5 people all around me talking to me in what sounded like a far off foreign language. All I remember is asking for OJ and then chugging it whilst laying in the chair half sprawled out. I hate passing out. Its the yuckiest feeling in the world. It just makes you feel nauseous and horrible for the rest of the day. Now I've been prone to passing out in the past but for the past six months I've been pretty good at not passing out or biting the floor. Not so today. Poor Rey - that is my guy that always takes my blood. It felt like I laid in the chair forever trying to get myself back together and finally I felt good enough to go over to the clinic to wait for my appnt with Dr. Gena.

I had to wait for almost an hour and half before seeing her and then she told me my blood counts were low - specifically my white. She still wants me to proceed with chemo on Monday but I have to have my blood tested again Monday to see if they have risen. If they have not then I have to start a drug 2 days post-chemo to help boost them so my immune system doesn't crash and burn more. This drug costs $1000 for 7 days ... that's right you heard me right a thousand buckarooonies. WHAT?!?! I'm pretty sure I'm 80% covered through work but still $200 for one drug for 7 days...wowee. As if they charge that much for medication very sick people need in order to get better. Insanity and kind of makes me sick to my stomach that they can get away with charging that and then turn around and not advocate natural, holistic methods of healing.

Oh well what can you do........

Round two of chemo is coming up this coming Monday and my 3 closest gf's from Edmonton fly in on Wednesday to take good care of me. Us girls (including our other girlie Robyn from Calgary) had planned a girls weekend away and kind of reunion to San Fran - we were supposed to be there today for the weekend. They had all booked flights and I was supposed to later on with points. In the meantime I was diagnosed with Lymphoma and our travel plans got busted. The girls (Brianne, Selina and Candace) all changed there flights and are coming here instead. Wow now that's some forever friends a girl always wants in her corner. They are of course going to take full advantage of being able to boss me around for 5 days. (I've been forewarned and for once I'll concede. lol) Our 5th girl in our West crew Robyn will also be coming to visit me sometime down the road. Right now she's unable to travel but we'll have her in our thoughts next week and drink some tea in her abscence. (I know I said tea...a far cry from our usual reunion parties filled with bevvies and then recovering the next day with pizza/movie marathons.) This is so much healthier ;-) .. so I tell myself.

My Alberta Girls....

(Selina, Brianne, Me and Candy at the Fundraiser organized last year in our friend Taia's memory. We raised $2000 for The Support Network in Edmonton. An organization that deals in Suicide Prevention and Awareness.)

(Brianne, Robyn, Selina and Myself at Robyn's Wedding)

I'll come up with something more entertaining for my next blog (like maybe how I have to hold my new lid down in the wind haha....oh the funny stories that come with my new look).

Bgirl xx

Am I More Then My Hair ....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CPCs7vVz6s&feature=fvsr

(Erykah Badu .. strong, beautiful sister that always rocks the best head pieces and hair.... luv her)

'Moment of honesty' is how I felt when it came to shaving my melon this week. Its taken me a few days to come to terms with my latest 'side effect' of chemo. Actually what I should say is that its taken me a few days to fully be open to sharing a picture of me with my new buzz cut.

In this past few days I've wrestled with the idea of not showing anyone except my close friends and then just dawning my various wigs. Then it hit me that if I don't accept this part of me now and boldly show off my new Demi Moore look - I will be going against everything I've ever believed in when it comes to beauty. Beauty is deep within us and only shines through in our outer layers. I've always believed this and yet as most woman I've myself struggled with this over the years. My own perception of myself is something I've had to work very hard at to get me to where I am today.

I'm glad I've taken the time to get to know myself, be comfortable with me and accept all my beauty and faults over the years. I do not beat myself up on a daily basis anymore about weight or bad hair days or stupid things that trust me make no difference at the end of our lives. I have learned to live a healthy lifestyle and make good choices (mostly ;-) when it comes to diet and exercise. I've accepted myself and taught myself to cherish all the things about me, that make me unique. This all comes in handy when you are forced to one day shave your head due to circumstances beyond your control.

Being a strong, independent, courageous woman helps us through many difficult stages in life as it did this week for me. Its funny that losing your hair during chemo would prove to be one of the more difficult parts for many. I'll be honest part of it is vanity but the much bigger aspect is that you are now reminded every time you look in the mirror you have cancer!! There is no getting away from that. Every time you look in the mirror you know that you have been sick and you are battling something. BUT you are almost reminded every time you look in that big, bad looking glass that you are strong, you are a survivor, you have amazing strength and you are beautiful with or without hair. For those who have been through this - pat yourself on the back or like I do - give yourself a big ol' high five. (or as my friends 'lil guy says high pibe..haha)!

Lastly I want to say I couldn't have gotten through Monday without one of my good friends being there to actually do the act of shaving my head for me. Thanks Wayner!! Its in times like these when we are surrounded by amazing people that we feel so blessed. We managed to even have a couple laughs through my tears as he shaved the old Bgirl away and made room for the new, improved, bad ass, tough B-GIRL. GRRRRRRRR .....

All that being said I'm still going to wear wigs haha.......cuz I just love my long locks to much and well this is my time to have fun with various styles and colours! Be prepared for Blonde Brandi to make an appearance at some point again. ;-)

To all the lovely ladies out there who have walked this path before me, thank you for your encouraging words. For those who may have to walk this path in the future - know many of us have done it before you and we are cheering you on. Remember you are strong, beautiful, amazing ladies and your hair does not, nor will it ever define you. Beauty will always shine through no matter what covers or doesn't cover your head. :-)

Feel free to share my blog with friends. I've become so aware of how others experiences can truly affect other peoples lives. I've learned so much through other friends experiences with cancer and also strangers blogs etc. Pass it on as you just never know who might be touched or encouraged by anothers story.

My first hot lid....

Bgirl xx

Decisions....

Sometimes we have to recognize our limitations!! This last two weeks really taught me a valuable lesson in this regard. Pre-chemo I thought I would still be able to take on the world (so to speak), keep working, maybe do some yoga, continue to eat healthy and just really kick the visitors butts out of b-town. Now this might all sound ridiculous and especially to anyone who's been through chemo but given what I was told by Dr. Gena I really believed it. I thought it would wear me out for a few days and then I could try to carry on business as usual. NOPE!!!

I guess the chemo nurses know a thing or two after all. One of mine told me that working might prove to be more difficult then I thought and that right now the most important thing was to take care of me and heal. (yeah, yeah I thought I will don't worry I'm tough.) HAHA ... guess what? Tough or not - CHEMO's tougher and when you push to hard, it pushes back harder. Basically your body says 'look punk take a chill pill and rest - stop trying so hard to be normal right now'.

That all being said I had to make some decisions this week about work. After talking to my boss and doctor it seems the best thing for Ms. B is to take a leave from work while i continue chemo/radiation and really take care of myself. I've decided to stop worrying about finances and trust that everything will work out. Being sick is stressful enough so no need to worry about all the other crazy stuff. That being said I am so blessed to have amazing support systems behind me including kick a8s friends, a hardcore family unit and great workmates. So for now I'll go on Sick EI benefits and take care of me.

The past few days have gotten a little better and the pain in my jaw/head/ears has finally subsided ... woohoooooo.... Now I just deal with the regular old run of the mill chemo side effects. I'd tell ya about them but who wants to here all the gorey details. I will tell you I'm dealing as best as I can and still keeping a positive, strong attitude. In this time off and resting I'm trying to come up with great things to do when I'm on my feet again. Ways to pay it forward - as I've been paid it right now from so many wonderful people.

Have a great weekend everyone....

B :-)

In Meghans Memory - Breast Cancer Awareness

http://www.cbcf.org/breastcancer/bc_aware.asp

*Today's link is to the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation - there is some great information for us ladies on being breast aware and detecting changes in our breasts early*

A few months ago I was made aware of a friend of a friend's fight with Breast Cancer. I joined her blog and group page on Facebook and followed her journey. Her name was Meghan and she was a true inspiration to me as I was newly diagnosed with Cancer. She was diagnosed in the fall of 2008 and went through many ups and downs before losing her battle yesterday and passing away.

Although I have never met her, I was filled with great sadness and tears. She was so young, she went into this fight wanting and thinking she would win. She fought hard and went through many difficult times trying to win over the evil 'visitors'. Alas they won!! My heart ached with sadness last night for Meghan, her family and friends loss. I was also struck with thoughts of my own mortality. My prognosis is very good, my stage is only 1, I have a 90% cure rate but I'm still nervous. The simple fact is, 'I've had cancer or have it'. Once you've had cancer its never the same. You now know your body is capable of allowing the evil 'visitors' to overrule the good population and pollute it. No matter how positive or strong you are - its still scary.

I vow to continue to be strong, to continue to fight and to remember those who may have lost the fight before me and fight harder in there memory. I also join hands with those still fighting and those in remission. We must and can concur canSer.

In memory of those I've lost to cancer:

Iona Ovelson - Dear family friend

Grandma Felstead

Granda Young

Uncle Russ

Robyn Brown - High school friend

..and many more..

To those who have concurred cancer or are currently fighting your battle and given me many words of inspiration - this posts for you.

One Love,

B

NoPainZone

Today is a week since my first chemo treatment. They say it gets better but unfortunately for me this week has gotten worse. I'm staying tough and strong though. I was really hoping to be back at work today and to be honest wish I was. (that's when you know you have been at home sick to long...and it hasn't even been that long...one week...eek.)

Not sure how this next week will go but I'm hoping and sending myself positive vibes that I'll start on the upswing soon.

Today is going to be a shorter post. I just want to thank everyone that's been around this past weekend for helping me out with food and visits etc. My dear friend Taryn was here from Edmonton and kept me smiling.

Hoping everyone an amazing week, keep strong no matter what you are going through, remember to stop and smell the flowers today (for me to ;-) .. and as I always try to tell myself - it could be worse so ride the wave baby.

One Love,

bgirl xo

What gets you through.....

MANGO LASSIES

I'm five days into my first chemo treatment and I can't really sugar coat that its been a kind of gruelling week. :-( Today I started to think about all the things that get me through. One thing I think about when I'm having a bad day is how delicious the Mango Lassies were in Asia. Since Monday my taste buds have pretty much been wiped out and its been difficult to eat. Chemo brings with it all kinds of nasty side effects. One of them for me has been severe jaw/neck/throat/ear/head pain. This is apparently a 'rare' side effect of the chemo drugs 'vincristine'. It started two nights ago when I tried to eat a small piece of strawberry. This piercing pain went through both sides of my jaw and has set in since. Last night was particularly gruelling. I felt like I had the most intense migraine headache of my life with this crazy jaw/throat/ear pain. I've been prescribed T3's and Gabopentin in the last 2 days but I'm Leary of taking yet more drugs. They all make you kind of doped up. (which actually isn't the worst side effect b/c then you're just kinda numbed out but still .. haha)

Despite all the pain I've been trying to get some nutrition into me to keep me going. My naturopath gave me a great tip for smoothies for the days I can't eat. Here is my recipe that's really been doing the trick for me:

1/2 banana (sometimes whole banana)

1/4 avocado

2 scoops Ultra Meal Rice Protein Powder -Great for helping keep lean muscle mass

Hemp, Almond or Soy Milk (unsweetened)

Frozen Berries

Fresh Mango (when I want a change and can handle it)

I've also been trying really hard to get lots of water into me with Aloe Vera juice - which is soothing on my very soar throat. I swish my mouth with baking soda/water mixture and also Silver solution which helps with not getting a soar mouth on top of everything else.

Today to ease my muscle pains I had the most devine bath with Epsom salts and pure lavender oil. Its very soothing and helped temporarily. The Epsom salts also help with joint pain.

(wowzers I sound like I'm 90 hey? ieieieiie)....

The best thing though was when my mom was here she really helped take care of me in a way only moms can. Every night she rubbed my feet with grape seed oil and frankincense oil. She's does massage therapy and did heat transfer on my body which instantly relaxed me and really did help me sleep. Mom's gone back to good 'ol Alberta now (*tear*) but she's coming back hopefully for my last treatment. Last night was kind of rough after she left - it just kind of hits you that you are all alone. I have amazing friends here that are all being supportive and awesome - but no one replaces the way a mom takes care of her kids (no matter how old we are). So this week it is to my mom that I say thank you so much. Thank you for being with me in Chemo all day Monday when I know it breaks your heart seeing me sick. Thank you for staying strong for both of us and thank you for all your holistic insight that I truly believe is helping me get through this just a little bit better.

So those are the things that got me through this week. I'll hopefully be making more regular entries......and keeping all the peeps up to date.

Tonight I'm going to relax as a couple of gf's come by with soup and treats. (Thanks Lutz, Tina and Susie).

Hope everyone gets out and enjoys the weekend (have a drink for me to).

b :-) xx

We Are Family!!!!

We Are Family!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Oiu9jW-VyE

Yesterday was my first Chemo treatment! Wowee that was a loooong day. My mom flew in on Sunday to Thursday to be with me for the first round. We had to be at the hospital for 8am. It's so daunting. They open the chemo doors - the doors to this entirely different surreal world. Everyone rushes in to line up and as you stand there in that line up you just feel like you are walking into the valley of death. Must sound so morbid and yucky but its really the truth - for me anyways. (and I promised to express my real emotions in this blog so people would gain some insight and for those also going through this and know there feelings are normal.) I'm so glad my mom was with me yesterday - she was a real trooper. My family has stood behind me big time. The picture today is of my family from when we were little. (thanks to Caryn for sending me this old skool pic). You can save your laughs and comments about my hair cut for later..haha.. From left to right is: My oldest bro Jim (he's since learned how to smile, my momma, my 'lil bro Bear in the middle, then me (all smiles) pappa bear and then my older bro Mikey (who also has learned to smile since.) I grew up in a house of boys - its really a wonder I grew into a lady at all. I was a total tomboy growing up but maybe it made me a little tougher now for this battle.

There are a lot of little steps the first day of chemo. You have to register at the front reception, then go register at the chemo centre, then they weigh you (yahooo my fav part) and send you back to the waiting room to watch this lovely video on chemo. (I could barely watch it to be honest) Then you pick up your anti-nausea pill at the pharmacy and do some more waiting until finally the nice chemo nurse comes to get you set up. (yipee finally my turn - this is about the time when I almost turned around and bolted out the door.) But I didn't - mom and me marched right into the room with our tour guide (that's what Nurse Nancy called herself - I was kinda hoping for Nurse Jackie but she didn't show). They took me into a room with 5 beds and plunked me down next to a guy who was also doing the R-CHOP chemo (he was on round 5 so he was a bit of a pro and made me feel better.) Unfortunately as lovely as my nurse was she couldn't get the IV in - um can you say OUCH. She tried and tried and tried and finally went and got this other nurse who got it the first shot. So there I was all set up, before they start the chemo drugs you have to take 2 Tylenol, 2 Prednisone, and three of this tiny other steroid drugs - then they start you on the Benedryl drip and then your first chemo drug. It's nuts. For the rest of the day it went pretty smoothly. I slept on/off, had a few snacks, drank some water/juice and that was about it. I had one momentary allergic reaction to one of the drugs so they had to stop it, give me more Benedryl and some other drug and then start it up again. Wowzaaa.

At the end of the day we packed up (8.5 hrs later) and headed home. I was feeling not to bad and then BAM around 8pm I fell violently ill. I was so sick I could barely make it to the bathroom. All I wanted to do was throw up but I couldn't even do that. (Eventually I did which sucked as well) I was so sick for 4 or 5 hours. Mom gave me some natural stuff to help with my stomach which actually helped tremendously then she rubbed my feet with oils. Finally I was able to fall asleep. It's a choppy sleep though b/c of the Prednisone. Google it - its a gross drug. You feel like your on crack or something. This nervous energy just pulsates through your body and your hungry but nausea's .. mmm great combo.

So here we are today - I'm feeling a bit better and still managing to stay in good spirits despite it all. In fact mom and I had a giggling it at the hospital yesterday (probably due to be very overtired and all the drugs they gave me to help) and the nurse just smiled at us and said 'you guys aren't supposed to be having this much fun' ... hey whatever gets you thru this right? She later sat with us and talked for awhile and said not to push myself this week or at all during chemo and take care of me b/c I'll have a much quicker recover. Good advice and I totally agree.

Thanks everyone for all your messages yesterday it really gave me that extra strength to get through my first round and the coming weeks. I'm feeling a little bit better today so that's good to...other then the fact I'm typing at mock speed due to the Prednisone. haha .. YIKES.

B's xx